The Player at Work: Game Over or Promotion?

This is for the women and men who have been played by another for their own self gratification. To understand one is getting off on the sexual game and has no intention of committing in a loving healthy way. It is the play of subtlety and often very difficult to become clear about. It leaves the innocent party running in circles and blaming themselves when in truth they have been manipulated by a master for selfish reasons.

I am a clown and my work is about innocent play which frees people from the shackles of conditioned behaviour. It is a play that brings out the best in the other and allows them to shine. It is a celebration of life and a deep honouring of others. When I clown with people on the street I am in a space of unconditional love where I see the true beauty of the other. The play I engage in is a win/win. When the other shines the whole world shines. It is a situation of true comm=unity. In situations of abuse which come in many colours, there is negative undercurrents and self gain attributed to the interaction. Negativity tends to hide, conceal and manipulate situations as a play to keep the other confused so that the manipulative one can gain something. It is not true play, it is a game where one wins and the other loses.

What distinguishes the player from those engaged in overt sexual harassment is that it is likely the innocent party is attracted to this person thinking it is a genuine emotional connection.  What may leave this situation in limbo is when confusion is present as the innocent party may not know what is real. This would be the case where the two parties don’t know each other well, hence leaving room for misunderstanding, self blame or imaginings. This state of mind is very disempowering as the person doesn’t know how to act on it. If they attempt to resolve and have no response, then it maintains that state of limbo. What I have learned is that if the innocent party realises that this is a selfish game then the attention becomes unwanted. If that attention continues then it is a form of subtle sexual harassment and is underpinned by motivations of conscious or unconscious power seeking or violence (to harm another).  In both cases it is a toxic behaviour that can cause great psychological and physical harm to a person.  It is not a healthy behaviour.

The traits of players are charm, confidence, fun, typically they are attractive and may appear successful. In the case I am familiar with and those I have spoken to, they will make eye contact, they may not respond to emails as they seek power and control. They will give mixed messages of interest/disinterest and could be in an existing relationship which they don’t advertise. The person will have no empathy for how the other feels as their world revolves around feeding their ego and self worth. In truth this type of behaviour comes from low self esteem, insecurity and immaturity but this is usually well covered by a confident veneer.

I would suspect in many cases it is impossible to prove unless they slip up and do something overt. However, what I would suggest to women and men who go through this is to find your inner truth and when you realise it is a game report it and then exit the play. It is definitely a form of abusive sexual harassment but is more insidious because it is subtle. The abusive aspect is when the person knows the other is suffering and seeking closure but chooses to continue playing or stonewalls an ending. That is the sign it is not just a romantic misunderstanding but a pattern of abuse for personal ego gratification. There is also denial there as they don’t wish to be questioned on their conduct. A genuine person will always be upfront and seek to clarify their position out of their own volition and will be quick to seek resolution to clear up the misunderstanding. A player will deny the situation, ignore the pleas for help and refuse to change as they believe what they are doing is not wrong. This comes from notions of right and wrong and rules. If it appears they do not contravene rules, then they see it as okay. However, if we look at it from a humanitarian perspective where another is genuinely suffering and seeking clarity, then ignoring this is a form of abuse. This does not build healthy communities, it is highly toxic.

In organisations it is important that training is offered to ensure that this type of game playing is identified as not harmless fun but playing with the emotions of others. It is important to understand at its extreme it can lead to destruction of careers, emotional break down or suicide, hence it is a negative behaviour and inherently violent. The training focus would be on: what is appropriate conduct at work, healthy relationships, learning empathetic communication, problem solving, conflict resolution and the signs of sexual harassment in its many forms (overt/covert).

Sexualised interactions are inappropriate in the workplace. These interactions would include: staring intensely, close physical proximity, flirtive looks, walking past to be seen, hugging, kissing and massaging another in a place of work. Outside of this space in a mutually consensual situation, that is fine as long as both are clear about the nature of the relationship. However, at work sexual play can be used to feed off sexual energy and to falsely feel enlivened at the expense of another’s feelings. It is abusive when feelings are discarded and can become potentially dangerous when the situation escalates. A policy of wellbeing would address what constitutes healthy and harmonious environments.

I’ve seen many cases where the bully is the one promoted to a higher position. I’ve seen this at the highest levels and heard the stories of stonewalling and abusive interactions. The promotion of individuals exhibiting toxic behaviours is a topic that should be explored. It may come from an underlying belief by management that the conduct is just boys being boys. My hope in the future is for more depth in reflection on both sexual harassment and bullying issues. In both cases there is a desire of power over another rather than discovering the power within (choice) and healthy relations with others. I can only see these cases increase in the absence of moral leadership.

This is a poem I wrote to find my own truth to a situation that for me, was like a rubrics cube. It took me to the edges of my life but I have to say it brought me great illumination which I do feel serves my work for the community. I don’t believe in revenge I believe in learning. That can only happen when people are open to truth, putting their egos to the side in favour of community harmony and wellbeing. These are the organisations of the future.

TO PLAY WITH LIFE FOR NO REASON
OR
TO FIND THE REASON OF YOUR LIFE IN INNOCENT PLAY

I thought to play was innocent and fun,
It was to enjoy life to bathe in the sun,
But for some playing is another game,
That is zero sum,
For it is not for mutual benefit,
It is to benefit one at the expense of the other,
And this is the cover,
That covers his dark face,
That masks the tragedy and the comedy,
Of his life.

This is a profile of a player,
For I have never met one before,
He appears kind and charming,
Innocent and free,
For he is seen to be,
And butter wouldn’t melt in his mouth,
As he knows all the games,
He’s been around the track,
For he is the rabbit that likes the chase,
Alluring those that peak his taste.

He will send subtle signals,
But never answer when called,
Never leaving any evidence of being involved,
Strategic communication,
That never says a word,
He will look as the hook,
For this is the art that keeps you guessing in your world,
He will drive you crazy as he sees your love as a toy,
For in his heart he is still a boy.

Detached and self centred he will live out his days,
A litany of broken hearts will pave the way,
As he cares nothing for truth or visibility or courage,
Self gratification is the mantra of his age,
A stone age with no reason,
Simple subterfuge and impassive aggression,
That never learns the lesson,
For he never faces his crimes of passion.

Yet other men will admire his libido,
A good bloke in situ,
They will see him as abused by unrequited love,
That his reputation is being stalked,
For they believe he walks the talk,
Yet they will never be able to see that even they were used,
For he builds his castles in the mind,
He stacks his friends with fine wine,
For status is his ultimate goal,
To compensate for the inadequate role,
He plays in life.

As we take down the veil,
And abseil towards the truth,
I see true love never sitting at his table,
As he finds many stable mates,
Yet he is alone in a sea of faces,
Always feeling incomplete,
Nothing satisfies this empty calling,
He is smiling yet there is no joy in games,
For he is not true to himself,
As he sits on the shelf not wanting buy in,
Abusing his platform without trying,
He knows he has been lying,
And I am crying as I see the pain in his dark,
For I was the one in a million that felt compassion for his part,
Although I was left out in the cold,
Inspiration was the light that found me wanting…
Peace for me,
And for he,
As unconditional love was always the answer.

The stairway to heaven is an impossible staircase,
As he stared at the case building up,
Refusing to look into the story he built,
Yet his liberation was in historical writings of guilt,
Philosophers traversing the pages of his-story,
To illuminate past misdemeanours with wisdom,
As when we learn from the past,
The future changes the mosaic,
For to strike while the iron is hot,
Is to speak the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth,
Spontaneously,
For the iron to become hot,
Is to strike out the past,
And start again,
For indeed the truth sets you free,
To know thyself,
To know who you be,
Is to see true beauty in honesty,
Spoken from the heart of sincerity,
For this is the halo effect of clarity,
That moves us from the insanity of abuse,
To a renewable future and a truce,
Where we all win the noble peace prize,
As peace is calling us home to realise,
We are one humanity,
As harmony is the one song,
Of mutual understanding.