Conflict Resolution: Real Leadership is Win/Win

The concept of win/win diverges from traditional societal beliefs about conflict where one should win and one should lose. We have enshrined within our cultural stories of the hero, the more intelligent one winning the argument, winning the race, winning the case (legal system), pass/fail (school) and success/failure (life). Activities of life couched in win/lose, this is the very basis of competitive thinking. The win/win that forms the basis of conflict resolution is really about seeking solutions that accommodate both parties. It is about moving away from winning the argument, making them pay, teaching them a lesson or ignoring the person. It is about truly embracing the problem and looking for a win/win.

Just imagine if this was the modus operandi of governments when dealing with other nation states. Just imagine in families if parents sat down around the table with children and modelled a win/win to really understand and listen and communicate needs and concerns, rather than directives that dictate what someone ‘should’ do. The win/win seeks to listen to solve the problem so both have a positive outcome. There are some common pictorial demonstrations of how this works. A famous one is the two donkeys tied together. One wants to eat, let’s say the grass is in a northerly direction and the other wants to eat the grass in a southerly direction. They pull on the rope and both cannot reach the grass. They are choosing not to cooperate and seek only to meet their own needs. When they choose a win/win they simple work out both interests and together they walk to the grass (cooperatively) and are able to eat more. They are also happy as their needs are met and there is no conflict. Thus harmony is the outcome.

In our society we are not taught to problem solve with community harmony in mind. We typically seek to meet our needs. When both parties are pulling and not working together, there is considerable stress and misunderstanding that arises. Some may indicate their partner, friend, boss is selfish, the other may say it is their problem not mine. When we stop and really think of the other, we then open up to a win/win. Life becomes much smoother and fun actually. You learn more about yourself and actually feel better about yourself. You find you handle conflict much better and confidence is the outcome when you resolve issues successfully. It is not about ‘me’ but ‘we’, that is true community. We are not living in isolation of each other, we all impact on others, that is why learning conflict resolution is invaluable. Just think of the saved litigation costs, you could actually save yourself a lot of wasted time and money, just by seeking a win/win.

Here is a great overview from the Conflict Resolution Network.  Refer http://www.crnhq.org/pages.php?pID=12#skill_2

Opponents or partners

The win/win approach is about changing the conflict from adversarial attack and defence, to co-operation. It is a powerful shift of attitude that alters the whole course of communication.

One person consistently applying a joint problem-solving approach can make the difference. You, the reader, will probably be that person – redirecting the course of the conflict. Therefore, the first person you have to convince is yourself.

Until we give it attention, we are usually unaware of the way we argue. We often find ourselves with a knee-jerk reaction in difficult situations – based on long established habits combined with the passing mood of the moment. When challenged, we experience separateness, disconnectedness from those around us – a feeling of “you or me” – a sense that there isn’t enough for both of us and if one person is right, then the other person must be wrong. Often we haven’t taken even a moment to consider what is the best approach in the circumstances.

While people battle over opposing solutions “Do it my way!”, “No, that’s no good! Do it my way!”, the conflict is a power struggle. What is needed is to change the agenda in the conversation. The win/win approach says:

I want to win and I want you to win too.

The challenge now is how to have this happen.

Go Back to needs

The most important win/win manoeuvre you can make is to change course by beginning to discuss underlying needs, rather than only looking at solutions. The following story makes the point quite well:

There are two people in a kitchen. There is only one orange left and both of them want it. What would you expect as the solution? Compromise is one option. They might cut it in half and each gets half.

Let’s assume that’s what they do. One person now goes to the juicer and starts squeezing herself a rather too small orange juice. The other, with some difficulty, begins to grate the rind of the orange to flavour a cake.

Had they discussed needs rather than heading straight to solutions, they could have both had the equivalent of a whole orange. Their needs were complementary, in fact, not conflicting. With the determination to use a win/win approach, two sets of needs can frequently dovetail together.

Addressing each person’s underlying needs means you build solutions that acknowledge and value those needs, rather than denying them. Even where solutions cannot be as perfect as in the orange story, the person feels quite differently about the outcome.

To probe below the surface requires redirecting the energy. Ask questions like “Why does that seem to be the best solution to you?”, “What’s your real need here?”, “What interests need to be served in this situation?”, “What values are important to you here?”, “What’s the outcome or result you want?”

The answers to these questions significantly alters the agenda on the discussion table. It places there the right materials for co-operative problem-solving. It leads to opportunities for you to say what you need and for other people to say what they need too.
Win/win

I want to win and I want you to win too.

A win/win approach rests on strategies involving:

* going back to underlying needs
* recognition of individual differences
* openness to adapting one s position in the light of shared information and attitudes
* attacking the problem, not the people.

The Win/win approach is certainly ethical, but the reason for its great success is that IT WORKS. Where both people win, both are tied to the solution. They feel committed to the plan because it actually suits them.

Even when trust between the parties is very limited, the Win/Win Approach can be effective. If there’s some doubt about the other person keeping their end of the bargain you can make the agreement reciprocal. “I’ll do X for you, if you do Y for me.” X supports their needs, Y supports yours. “I’ll drive you to the party, if you clean the car.” “I’ll help you draw up those figures for your reports, if you sort out these invoice queries.”

It’s a successful strategy. Usually, co-operation can result in both people getting more of what they want. The Win/Win Approach is Conflict Resolution for mutual gain.

So with that, let’s share the cake not have our cake and eat it (all).