Conflict Resolution: Winners and Learners

http://www.crnhq.org/pages.php?pID=12#skill_2

I love the statement below that says winners and learners. I think this could be applied across society. I am always interested in those who have explored who dare to think outside of the box who turn problems into possibilities, these are creative approaches that are fearless. Real courage is not avoidance or dominance or control, it is the ability to face yourself, to find solutions and with heart in balance with the mind, you find a win/win.

This outline below speaks of creativity and the ability to turn problems into opportunities. Moreover, it discusses perfectionalism. This is interesting the most difficult people I have faced in my life have often been people who are perfectionists, who must have things their own way. I remember a boyfriend I had a few years ago, he had to make his sandwich at his place (for work) he couldn’t bring the ingredients to my place and make it. Even if it made him late coming over, he would do it as he has always done it. I found it really hard to understand but he believed his place was clean and tidy and he knew where everything was, he felt control. He had all his things in the right place and warned me if I moved things he would not be happy. The temptation to move them was there, being a clown it is hard to be serious, but he certainly was. He taught me about perfectionists. I had family members who had to be clean, tidy and everything their way. The list goes on. Often conflict comes from inflexibility and one sided beliefs. So conflict resolution enables people to find creative ways to live together without driving each other crazy, even the perfectionists can try this. However, there must be a willingness to work together if you want to live together, if not then best to live alone. So here are some ideas below. Go into these challenges with curiosity but not the desire to change people, just learning to work together for a win/win.

Problems or challenges

The Creative response to conflict is about turning problems into possibilities. It is about consciously choosing to see what can be done, rather than staying with how terrible it all is. It is affirming that you will choose to extract the best form the situation.

Our attitudes colour our thoughts. Usually we are quite unaware of how they shape the way we see the world. Two dramatically contrasting attitudes in life are “Perfection” versus “Discovery”. Let’s call them attitude “hats”. What “hat” do you get dressed in each day? Do you see difficulties as problems or as challenges?

The Perfection hat says: “Is this good enough or not?” (Usually not!) “Does this meet my impeccably high standards?”

The Discovery hat says: “How fascinating! What are the possibilities here?”

What is our mind chattering about under our Perfection hat?

* Right or wrong?
* Do I measure up?
* Life is struggle.
* Mistakes are unacceptable.
* Judgement.
* Unbendable beliefs about what’s proper.
* Failure!!
* Do you measure up?
* Life is hard work.
* I have to be right.
* Blame.
* Don’t take any chances

Low self-esteem!

The search for Perfection sets up: “Winners – & – Losers”.

Such yardsticks can be used to make decisions about traffic jams, your partner, the kids, the photostat machine, the boss and – above all – you.

Is there a Discovery hat still sitting on the shelf in your wardrobe of possibilities? You may hardly have worn it since you were a young child. When you learnt to walk you didn’t go “right foot”, “wrong foot”. It was just right foot, left foot, and each fall was as interesting as the next step. To the young child, everything is part of the great experiment.

You can get out that hat again and dust it off. What’s tucked away underneath your Discovery hat?

* Exploration
* Enthusiasm
* Let’s take a risk
* What are the possibilities?
* Everything’s a success
* Acceptance
* Play
* Inquiry
* Experiment
* How else can we look at this?

High self-esteem!

The process of Discovery invites: “Winners – & – Learners”.

If there are no failures, only learning, self-esteem gets a big boost upwards. You can put on your Discovery hat and problems look like intriguing crossword puzzles. “What will make the difference so he stops complaining to me all the time?”, “What else can I try to get the kids to help with washing up?”, “What are we freed up to do now that $7 million order has just been cancelled?”, “How fascinating, the photostat machine has broken down again!”

The process of Discovery invites: “Another Challenge? How Fascinating!”

Errors can be regarded as splendid opportunities for learning. We are at our most energised as we stand ready to act on the edge of our personal unknowns. But that means we’re going to make some mistakes. To tap the benefits of initiative, we really need to play down our judgement and criticism. Of course, we need to acknowledge errors and go through a correcting process. But when we move to discovery mode, we’re not overly cautious about making mistakes and we don’t make other people too cautious to act resourcefully by being overly critical. When an organisation encourages the willingness to risk in its employees, it gets an alive and motivated staff.

A not-so-famous but should be maxim: “If a thing’s worth doing, it’s worth doing badly!” is an invitation to experiment and risk.

Robert Kyosaki in his “Money and You” workshops often relates the very telling story of the IBM company in the States. One middle executive there made a tactical error that cost the company $9 million. The following week the executive, sure he was about to be fired, was called into the office of the Chairman. The Chairman started discussing plans for a huge new projet that he wanted the executive to direct. After a certain point, the executive was feeling so uncomfortable he had to stop the Chairman: “Excuse me, sir, you know I’m amazed. Last week I cost us $9 million. Why are you putting me in charge of this new project? I thought you were going to fire me.” The Chairman smiled. “Fire you? Young man, I’ve just invested $9 million educating you. You’re now one of my most valuable assets.” Here was a chairman who valued the willingness to risk and learn. He knew it was an essential ingredient in the successful executive.

Life is not about winning and losing – it’s about learning. When you fall down, you pick yourself up and note where the pot-hole was so you can walk around it the next time. A person who has gone “too far” knows just how far they can go. No “winners – and – losers”, just “winners – and – learners”.

That’s the essence.

Ah, Conflict!
What an Opportunity!.