Gender Agendas Limiting Potential

I awoke this morning thinking I will speak about gender. I am particularly interested in stereotypes which label behaviour expected of gender. I felt I would just talk from my own perspective and within my own gender. I am mindful it is my opinion, other women will have different viewpoints, mine emerges from my own life experience.

I have always found gender interesting as it affects my life. What I have seen growing up as a child is that men control society and women undertake the home duties. I found myself pulled into housework and I noticed the boys in my family mowing the lawn. I also noticed they got into mechanics, whereas I and my sister were expected to help. My interest was certainly not housework, I would have liked to have got under the car to have a look, but never felt encouraged. My father did say to me years later I could have asked. Although he had strong views on women and in later years I don’t feel he liked women that much.

As a girl I remember the boys making sexual comments which I didn’t like, also we were scared of being flashed at by men. We heard lots of stories of women not being safe. So the idea of fear was instilled early on and that women need to be protected from men (actually). We were taught to cross our legs and be lady like. Yet boys could sit there with their legs open and with their shirts off. Women had to cover up.

I remember my male teacher telling the girls not to fold their arms as it made their breasts bigger. I didn’t like that feeling.

I noticed the boys and girls were separated in sports. We had games like t-ball (hitting ball off a pole) and softball, hockey, gymnastics, ballet, dance, etc. Whereas the boys played soccer, rugby, basketball and baseball (years later). I somehow felt the boys were seen as better than girls and this had to do with physical strength and dominance of society.

I have always stood up for myself. In my family my mother was dominant. My father had has own strength but was typically quiet and did his work in the garage (printing). My father was an independent person and I sense I am probably like him. When I had hassles with my mother and her fighting I would go and speak to my father, I liked his gentleness and I felt peace just being with him. My father is a kind man and was not really the typical macho male image, he actually was a poet, but I do feel life has made him a sad person today.

I tended to have conflict with a my strong minded mother and that seemed to look counter to the society who viewed women as demure. I found them very much in control.

I used to ride a wooden skateboard with my brother or by myself up and down our drive way. I was the first women in the southern hemisphere to ride a skateboard on a half pipe at 15. I then had a boyfriend who was a very good skater and so I went to the skatepark with him. We were the first couple to get into skating. I found the boys very courageous and I noticed I was more hesitant. The fact they were physically strong also improved their skating as they were able to do higher aerials. The half pipes were perspex and we had a double U ramp which is like a half pipe with a bump in the centre. You can ride over the bump or jump over it. I did this not to be a boy, but because I loved the flow and magic of skating, I loved the movement, it was extremely good exercise. I didn’t even think about being a female. Didn’t care.

I also broke convention by being a hippy. I was the only one in college. I used to wear a happy jacket with chinese characters on the back, harem pants and a head band. I was not into drugs or seeking to not conform. I just liked the peace aspect of it and it was my style. I also had a skateboard so you can imagine how different I was from other girls. It was more I didn’t care to conform, I just followed what I like doing. I did get picked on by a group of people but I was able to give them the slip, I did leave college (years 11, 12) as academically I wasn’t ready (didn’t read) and it was not my scene.

I found as I was growing up their were expectations around what women do in society. I didn’t do a lot of thinking about my future nor was I encouraged to think about career. It was never mentioned. However, my mother was a typist and I was encouraged at 17 to do a typing course. I would never have chosen this but my gender led me there. I didn’t like sitting in front of a typewriter. When I worked in the Government I was in a typing pool with other women. I noticed the men bringing us their work to type. Again, the idea that men were in control and women there to serve them was reinforced. I saw no career path in this work and I found my arms got sore. I eventually got RSI (repetitive strain injury).

I ended up being told by my boss (female) that I was hopeless as I made lots of mistakes on the typewriter, we had tippex (white out) and golf ball typewriters (not computers) and I was bored. I noticed later on that I didn’t perform well when I was bored. I also had a belief I wasn’t intelligent as my sister reinforced this and I was just not thought of as having talent. I was told I was good with my hands. Another word for average. So when I was told I was hopeless it did disempower me. However, not long after that we got the first Wang computers, quite large computers with 3 1/4 inch floppy disk drives. When I did the course I came last academically but at work my boss reassessed me. I was actually more interested in the computer. Scholastically I didn’t read a book until I was 17 and at school I used to write essays from the back of the book. So I never saw myself as intelligent up until around 30.

As females we are taught to look nice, wear make up and dresses. I didn’t think I would be valued unless I was pretty. This was not an unrealistic thought. I saw how unattractive girls were treated. I remember one New Years Eve two of my friends were barked at as we were walking past guys. I nearly ran after the guys to tell them off I was so angry. I dislike this attitude of pretty women. I actually didn’t see myself as pretty until my husband and I separated around 30. That appears the magic number of awareness. I thought without makeup I wouldn’t be valued. So many adverts on television telling you to look skinny and pretty. So boring, when there is so much to women aside from their faces. It was like we are here to just please men.

I did go out a lot as a young woman, sometimes with friends sometimes on my own. I was not afraid. I used to drink a fair bit but I absolutely loved dancing. I could easily dance all night. Alcohol was big in those days and still is today with people. Everyone goes to nightclubs to drink and today I look back and around me and still am amazed we need it. In those days I just had a taste for it. It did open doors for me in as far as I had many conversations with men. I was out at nightclubs at 15 years of age speaking with men of all ages right up to 40, which appeared old to me at that time. I wanted to learn about the world through their eyes. I sounded a lot older then I was and when they enquired into my age they were shocked I was so young. I was wise even at that age and I remember writing poems on the back of coasters. When I drank there was no fear at all. I would hitch back and forth from home, many police gave me rides (bless their hearts) and sometimes I would choose between which cars to get in to, do an interview on the spot. So I wasn’t silly I had my own power and I had no intention of being hurt.

I recall going to the United States at 20 on a Contiki Tour. The back of the bus was my office. I had a crazy New Zealand girl who would crack open a Budweizer to drink first thing in the morning. Drinking laws there were 21 but we managed to get around that being Australians. The Americans loved Australian girls. I remember my first night in Los Angeles going to a nightclub getting drunk. Walking across some paddock with my money belt intact and feeling totally happy, thinking about where I was on the other side of the world. I spoke to a few guys, they were nice. I also remember getting a ride with police. My friend Ellana and I knocked on the window of a police car and asked if they knew of any nightclubs. They said they would take us. First experience of police cars with wire mesh barriers between the front and back seat. They were very friendly. We were naughty back then, I am smiling writing this. We also knocked on the window of a limo driver and asked about places to go. He also took us out, but first he had to drop 6 guys off, so we sat in the back with them chatting away. Said goodbye and went out with the driver. We ended up getting driven back to our bus everyone was on the bus waiting for us. We had electric windows and put the windows down to laugh at our friends.

We were pretty wild but we had no fear, we just went for it. I am glad I grew up in Australia, whilst there are gender stereotypes here, we do have freedom to do as we want. I like the fact we were not afraid and waiting for guys to make it happen. We did it ourselves.

I feel guys get locked into gender stereotypes and that is clear particularly with drinking. They feel they have to drink with the boys and make fun of women or demean them (not all men, some). They try to be accepted by their peers. We women don’t like this, we find it sad when we see the sexism and all it does is put us down, we want to be partners and friends, we want to be free to be ourselves. It is not about being a woman. These are generalisations of course but I would like to see men and women drop the stereotypes and just be friends first. Forget the roles of men do this, women do that, let’s just get to really know each other as people. I have many male friends, there is no attraction but great friendship. I love and respect that. I can just be a friend, I don’t see them as men.

In my marriage I had a unique husband, he had no sense of gender. Both of us did the housework, the shopping and cooking. We took turns as equals. He never imposed on me to be a woman, I never imposed on him, nor did I iron his shirts or tell him what to wear. I saw him as his own person. If I got things wrong I apologised and tried to understand him. He was a country guy and didn’t grow up with television. He just pitched in and did his bit. If he wasn’t working he did everything, if I wasn’t working I did everything. So there was no tension around gender at all. I actually didn’t think of myself as female, I was just with the person I loved. It was very simple. I was glad to have met him. Equality is beautiful for both parties and you work together without the complicated tensions through expecting people to play out a role, like look after children, both should do that and society could be geared where both parents are responsible and sharing rather then working full time, it is not a child friendly approach, I feel. Mothers have to ignore their passions in favour of children and take on full responsibility, whilst fathers may work at jobs they like or dislike, one way or another both are not living their lives to the fullest potential and tensions and unhappiness arise. The other is blamed rather than looking within at the source of unhappiness. So society could be redesigned with balance in mind, fairness and living to full potential. Grandparents can be part of this equation, as the need for questing is really strong in young people (up to 40 really). That is how we develop wisdom. Grandparents (had they quested) are in a good position to just be with grandkids and enjoy them. Parents are still growing. So new ideas about raising families could be ventured into to ensure peace and harmony.

The gender divide is a big issue and I remember the Bahai faith using a diagram of a bird as women and men represented as the two wings, if not working together the bird can’t fly. We do need each other, we are here for each other but we must learn to allow each other to be free. To not enter into relationships unless you are complete first. Otherwise it becomes needy and one expects the other to make them happy. It is a fallacy and dream, it never works. Love is freedom not bondage and that is why marriage has been seen as a harness rather than harnessing potential in two people. Men have to look at what they do, sitting down and letting women do it all for them, may be convenient but it maintains a stereotype that children copy and creates a slave/master scenario which is not true coupling. We have barely begun to understand the true nature of love and family.

My friend is sitting with me now and we were just discussing that not all women are good mothers, or housekeepers or cooks. That is something society expects and thinks we are born with. Not all men are good providers, husbands, fathers or good at fixing cars. Somehow we have to find the balance of strengths to bring up healthy functional children and strong community. This requires an attitude of sharing and responsibility within a social context that enables children to come first and both parents to feel happiness and control over their lives.

So for myself I have basically attempted to do what makes me happy. Being on my own has been the greatest experience of my life and I have no regrets, nor do I see myself on the shelf as they say. I am not looking. What I have learned is who I am, for me that is the key to happiness. I have also learned to be authentic and to be a sovereign person, can’t do that in a couple. I want to look within and discover my potential, my spirit, my creativity and watch this magical life unfold. I want to write about my life as the passion is so strong, I am moving into a state of being which is peaceful and this feels good. So the dream that is held up of the handsome prince, the romance, the family, can be a rosey ideal that many do not reach. The hard reality of incompatiability, strains and stress of society, financial hardship, social conventions can serve to become shackles to your own freedom. Sadly we blame others but do not look at ourselves for restricting our own freedom by facing our fears.

As a clown I felt no gender at all, I actually forget. Children ask me are you a boy or a girl, I say I am a clown from clown town. When I am living by myself I have no thought of being a female until I put on the clothes and makeup. I feel myself as a stream of consciousness, I feel my life emerging out of love and I see no difference between men and women when I clown on the streets. I see people engaging or not. They are just playing a role that is not really them. I am identifying more with the spiritual way of life which I sense is the real world. The clown is taking me there to see truth, love, peace and hope in the power of love.

That is what I feel and see.

So next time you are with the opposite gender. Just ask them about who they are and forget the gender issues. Don’t angle for a date or have a sexual agenda, just learn to be with people. Perhaps enquire what is it like to be a woman or a man. How does life treat you when it sees you this way, what opportunities are open to you. If you had a magic wand what would you love to do if there were no restrictions or responsibilities.

I know men who love knitting, I know women who would be great racing car drivers, I know other women who are good at building, another told me yesterday she wanted to be a criminal investigator but became a carer in a nursing home. Just imagine if we dropped the roles and let people be free enough to explore life whilst they have it. I would say to them go for it, you can be anything.

Believe me, we all benefit when each person lives to their highest dream of themselves.

Go for it.