Gender Disharmony Does Not Lead to World Peace

I am publishing a letter my friend wrote to the editor of a newspaper. She is not a feminist nor lesbian nor man hater (no offense to those in the categories I respect all people). You can critique the opposite gender without an agenda or bitterness is the point. She calls herself an equal opportunist. She is looking at me seriously right now saying she does. She is saying both sexes could have the same opportunities, this is her central message.

I want to publish it because I have heard this story many times from women. For men reading this I want you to attempt not to project onto it. Your experience may be different or you may see yourself in it. The disharmony between men and women comes from stereotyped beliefs of the roles of women and men. However, I feel if we are to find true peace in the world, men have to bravely face these issues (if true) and women need to speak up more and not play out roles that render them working 24/7 or martyrs.

I also know from my own research for a local Council in Melbourne, during the Year of Women in Local Government. That women feel they have to do all the work, not only in the workplace but in the home. The majority of the staff were female and many were in service related roles or in community services, health etc. Only one or two were in engineering. One woman I interviewed said in her country it was acceptable for women to be engineers where she noticed here women didn’t believe they could work in these roles. There were also comments about sexism and the pressure placed on some women in male related roles. Hence, not being accepted. Women felt that they couldn’t even begin to think about leadership roles or professional roles as they had children and in the workplace they would be expected to work long hours, so their monetary and career aspirations are ruled out the moment they have kids, this is not the case typically for men. Solutions to this raised in the research included job share, child care centres at workplaces, working from home to enable women to be equal participants in working life. In the male group I interviewed, there were some that acknowledged they had it good. One guy had a very switched on mindset and stated he saw that men and women are not the same and that differences need to be understood, he spoke of equal opportunity not sameness. Even issues of women having periods came up. Women were uncomfortable speaking about this but I did not dismiss it, women do get pre-menstrual, they felt unwell at work and could be snappy. This can be dismissed by some men, but it is a real issue for women, they have to manage it. One of the most fundamental issues is not having equal pay for the same work, when I started out as an economist in the 1990’s women were paid 80% of the male wage. When I conducted this research to my surprise the same figure was bandied around, so it is a real issue.

I just went for a job recently and was interviewed by women who inquired if I had children. I knew this was a disadvantage, as I don’t have them, I am fine. I also have spoken with a female Doctor who has women telling her of their lives and wondering why they feel exhausted. The Doctor explained anyone would be exhausted with the load they carry, women often expect themselves to do more, never feeling good enough in their roles. This is not to say there are not women who are the opposite, there are. I am speaking in terms of generalisations. I also know there are men out there who probably do more than their fair share as well. I am speaking of general stereotypes across society which are creating disharmony between men and women and this impacts on families, children and the future.

My friend wrote this story from personal experience and observation. I found it interesting at the end she says ‘come on guys help out’. I’ve heard this many times, it is about men helping women. Often I have questioned why is it help as if it is her role and not a shared parenting experience. It is a story as I said before, I’ve heard many times and I sense it is a real issue in society not just here in Australia but in other countries. I think it is healthy for men to engage in the discussion putting their side forth. Maybe the issue of father role models is important. I remember staying with a lovely couple in their 60’s. The father got up and did the dishes. He said whoever cooks doesn’t wash up. He and his son-in-law did the dishes together, whilst the women sat at the table. I actually laughed as I have been in many households where I watch the men allowing the women to do the work. Even one of my close male friends asked his wife to make me a coffee. I was stunned as I wouldn’t dream of asking a male to do that for my friend. His wife was exhausted at the time having cooked Christmas dinner for his family (blended family) and he just chatted with the boys whilst the girls cleaned up and did the dishes. I really noted it. The women were helping because they saw her tiredness, the men didn’t. It was very clear.

My wish is that these issues are addressed and I believe it benefits both men and women if something can be worked out to better share workloads from a space of equality, respect and love. True love shares, cares, reveals and heals. I think conflict resolution is a starting point, always there is two sides of the conflict.  Here is my friends letter than below is conflict resolution steps.

LETTER TO THE EDITOR by Bronwen

“It seems as a society, that we still cannot or will not value the work of mothers.

From my own experience, and that which I have observed, it is obvious that to this day women are expected to run a household, cook, clean, do the washing, shopping etc. etc. and look after the children. Some mothers are also expected to work outside the home as well, just to ‘make ends meet’.

A mothers job is 24 hours a day, unlike the average 8 hours of her male counterpart. Mothers have day shifts and nights shifts in a continuous stream. So why oh why is it that when the male gets home, he often assumes the position of couch potato – armed with TV remote in hand, and whoa betide anyone who attempts to get him up or to remove the remote from his grip! He watches from his throne, as his partner struggles with cooking dinner single handed, whilst answering the phone, picking up crying children, helping the kids with their homework etc – you get the picture. She goes from the lounge to the dining room, back to the lounge then to the bedroom, continually picking up things off the floor, sorting out the washing and emptying the drier for the school uniforms for the next day. He has been working all day, so he has a right to relax when he comes home right, is it really too much to ask … yes it is! She has been working all day too and needs him to do his part when he gets home. Why can’t he cook dinner, help the kids with their homework and perhaps bath them while mum cooks dinner. Or maybe when he gets home mum can put her feet up and relax, after all, she has been working all day, and will continue until the time she goes to bed.

He gets up from the couch only when dinner is actually on the table, and complains if there is no cutlery there, he even asks her to get it for him! Oh yes, and the salt and the pepper and his favourite sauce and ……. oh yes, ‘and a nice cold beer please love’! Meanwhile the tv is blaring because sport is on and he just doesn’t want to miss it. When dinner is over, he leaves his plate on the table and takes his usual position back in his armchair. Whilst she clears the table, then washes and dries the dishes and puts them away.

The kids are starting to go mad and annoy dad. So he drags himself up for a quick tug of war with the them, and then back to his chair, in the meantime calling out ‘can you get me another beer honey’. The phone rings, the baby needs changing, the kids need bathing, the lounge floor is a mess, but he says glued to the tv, strangely oblivious to everything around him. This is madness. When she asks him to do something, he tells her she is nagging – again! What a funny notion, requesting normal assistance has become nagging.

Laziness and lack of consideration are not acceptable. Men are not stupid or blind, they can see what is going on in front of them, but choose to behave in a way that leaves the partners/mothers to do everything – unless they are ‘nagged’ into assisting.

So when does teamwork as a couple come into play. Is it only a fantasy? A dream? Surely couples want to have a happy and harmonious environment at home. This takes effort on both sides. We are not men’s mothers. If they want mothering they need to go home for that, we are the mothers of our children.

Come on guys, help out. To begin with just start by looking after yourselves, this alone will take a load off your partner, and who knows she may even have enough energy left for loving late at night!”

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Below are steps from the ‘Six Steps for Resolving Conflicts’, by Naomi Drew, M.A., author of Hope and Healing.  My friend is beneath.

Here’s is a summary of how you can use the Win/Win Guidelines for any conflicts that may arise :

Step 1: Cool off.

Conflicts can’t be solved in the face of hot emotions. Take a step back, breathe deep, and gain some emotional distance before trying to talk things out. As success coach Natalie Gahrmann says, “When I take the time to breathe and regain my focus I can create the opportunity to choose my response rather than just react. If I try to skip this step, my words are too emotionally loaded.”

Step 2: Tell what’s bothering you using “I messages.”

”I messages” are a tool for expressing how we feel without attacking or blaming. By starting from “I” we take responsibility for the way we perceive the problem.

This is in sharp contrast to “you messages” which put others on the defensive and close doors to communication. A statement like, “You’ve left the kitchen a mess again! Can’t you ever clean up after yourself?” will escalate the conflict. Now take a look at how differently an “I message comes across: “I’m annoyed because I thought we agreed you’d clean up the kitchen after using it. What happened?”

Step 3: Each person restates what they heard the other person say.

Reflective listening demonstrates that we care enough to hear the other person out, rather than just focusing on our own point of view. It actually fosters empathy. Mark Burnes describes how he used reflective listening the time he walked into the middle of a shouting match between his ex-wife and teen-aged son.

Step 4: Take responsibility.

In the majority of conflicts, both parties have some degree of responsibility. However, most of us tend blame rather than looking at our own role in the problem. When we take responsibility we shift the conflict into an entirely different gear, one where resolution is possible.

Step 5: Brainstorm solutions and come up with one that satisfies both people.

Resolving conflicts is a creative act. There are many solutions to a single problem. The key is a willingness to seek compromises.

Step 6: Affirm, forgive, or thank.

A handshake, hug, or kind word gives closure to the resolution of conflicts. Forgiveness is the highest form of closure. Minister Fredrick Buechner says, “When you forgive somebody . . . you’re spared the dismal corrosion of bitterness and wounded pride. For both parties, forgiveness means the freedom again to be at peace inside their own skins and to be glad in each others’ presence.” What a legacy we can leave to our children as we teach and model this.

Go to http://www.learningpeace.com/pages/LP_04.htm for more insights.

Here is a perspective that highlights gender issues, I feel quite certain, are commonplace.