My True Nature

I realise even when I begin to identify my true nature, language is never accurate. However, I will weave together notable experiences that I feel helped me see my true nature. I find that contrasts often help you to see who you are, what you like what you don’t like. This is not about copying people and cultivating personality, it is about noticing the subtle nuances of who you are by contrast.

I will give you a good analogy. Imagine you are suspended from the ceiling in an empty room. In that space you can’t define yourself, nothing to compare and contrast to. Then you notice a picture on the wall, you get distance, size, colour as a contrast to yourself. Then furniture is added in, you define yourself by the size shape, then slowly the room fills and you are able to compare yourself to each item. This is what life does in experiences. It enables you to identify who you are through contrasts and comparisons. You may think ‘I would never do that’, or ‘that is me’. On it goes. Many people do not sit and deeply reflect on their true nature. I encourage you to have a go. It will set you free.

Note that every person that is with you sees different aspects of you and in truth that is their perception and projection. Some people believe what others believe about them as that is who they are. Mostly it is not, it is the belief of the other. Until you break out of the mold and find your true self, you will be run by other people’s judgements and expectations. Virtually impossible to satisfy, you have to give up yourself to do it. Byron Katie states that two people have never met as each are in their own story about the other. The world is a series of stories we believe or not. Television is a good example, if we were to seriously research the item, we would find it did not represent the reality. As it is reporting from anothers mindset, reporting style and limited visual and sound bytes. Yet we walk away and say isn’t the world a terrible place. The reality is different.

So I will share your story about me and in doing so learn more about myself. I re-read this and I like the mistake I made. I will share ‘your story’ about me. In truth that is exactly what you will get from this. Everyone reading will interpret differently, so I can never accurately reflect it anyway. But let’s have fun with it anyway.

My earliest experiences of my true nature were innocence. I remember looking up at adults without any story or holding of grudges. I was very accepting of the world around me. I used to sit and draw and I liked chatting with friends. My thoughts were simple and accepting. I had my moments when I got upset but I dropped it very quickly after the tears dried. I do remember that. Living in the moment is the reality of that.

My nature was very kind and caring. I cried if I thought people were being hurt and I didn’t like the fighting, I wanted people to get along. I enjoyed laughing and being silly. I was also a bit of a stirrer (teasing) not sure if that was my nature or learned it from my siblings (although later I became a clown so maybe).

I did what I was told and didn’t really question my parents until a teenager (we all do it then). I helped my mother when she asked but for her not myself. I didn’t like housework and noticed my brothers got out of it. My sister locked herself in the toilet when there was work to be done. I always remember hearing the door slam and the lock go on.

I found I needed to feel free. I didn’t like being controlled and expected to jump the second my mother wanted something. I remember asking her to write it down and I would do it, but at my own pace. I remember that not happening. When the fights were happening I remember sitting and thinking why can’t we work it out around the table. My nature was to problem solve and I was interested in harmony at a young age. I used to watch people a lot and try and work out the psychology as it seemed foreign to me.

I also was not afraid to do things that were not girly. I rode a skateboard and loved the feeling of the board on the road. I ended up going out with a boy who was a great skater. He and I went to the first perspex skatepark in the Southern Hemisphere, I was the first girl to ride. I loved it. I saw the courage in the guys, but I had a go as well. I didn’t see it as less feminine but my boyfriend did, and we broke up. I didn’t change. I am not afraid to try new things, I don’t care if people say it is for guys or this is for girls. I just do what I feel drawn to. My mum called me a tom boy but I never agreed with this. I said I just am standing on a board with wheels how does that relate to being a female? Strange logic I thought. Same when I worked in London (going forward here) I remember they had a dress code at work, women had to wear skirts. I thought why is it female to wear a piece of material around two legs and it is male to wear material around both legs. Didn’t make sense. I was being forced into a stereotype. It was silly as it was cold too, I didn’t want to wear a skirt. Same applies for high heels, why would I want to stomp around in shoes that will break my ankles so I can look sexy, why bother, surely a man will love me for who I am. Or are looks the only important feature of myself? (sadly this is truer given people believe what others say is of value rather than the heart). That is my true nature trying to work out societal norms.

Anyway back to childhood, I can remember at 8 looking out the window of our car travelling along the highway and thinking why don’t they make it two lanes on both sides, so people don’t have accidents. I still remember that awareness, years later that happened, dual carriage ways were invented. I had an inventive mind from a young child, which was why I tossed up between science and economics later on. I am a creative thinker but didn’t know it at the time. My family were ordinary people, so I guess I saw myself in the same way. We never thought about university or career, luckily for me, life became my greatest teacher.

I liked people but was not so outgoing as my siblings. I felt shy and I was not as good with words as my sister. I used to get my words wrong but feel that was more nerviousness as my mum yelled a fair bit and I would break dishes. I was sensitive to the anger.

I saw myself as ordinary and I didn’t compete for the spotlight, although I’d join in at times. I had a pretty strong minded sister who took centre stage so for a long time I believed I was quiet (up until around 18).

I enjoyed it when my father joked around the table and we would do word games. I loved humour and playing. He also would bring out things on a tray and get us to recall what they were. I saw it as a game and didn’t compete but had fun trying. I don’t have a detailed memory but I have a feeling about things and did as a child. I see through my feelings. I am very sensitive to people and the emotional landscape I am aware of. I am interested in people’s feelings, if they are happy or sad or confused, naturally I desire to help them. I found people fascinating. I loved it when we had guests over.

When I went out drinking at nightclubs from around 15 I had no fear. I met up with friends or went alone. I used to love dancing all night. I met and talked with men all ages and some quite old (in my mind) in their 40’s. I was very mature and aspirationally worldly. I was very interested in the world, politics and read the newspapers a lot back then. I used to be the one to start the conversations. So it wasn’t just mindless chatter (bit of judgement there, they were trying to relate through harmless chatter). I wasn’t at nightclubs to meet guys although definitely interested, I was there to learn about who they are and get to know them. When you have a few drinks people open up, that I found really interesting. Those early years helped me to appreciate men more and I am glad I had the courage and freedom to experience that. My poor parents had not much choice, by their 3rd child they had been worn down. I am glad I was allowed out. It taught me a great deal about life and myself.

I’ve always had a desire to help people. I can remember talking about helping people in Africa, my boss at the time said are you christian, I said no I just care for people. Always my heart has gone out to those starving and struggling to eek out a living. I used to wonder how this can happen in a world topped full of resources. I learned that we have systems, we divide nations, we look after our own but not others, I found it very strange. I found the hardness in my own culture something I couldn’t understand. I didn’t resonate with the roughness or the blokey attitudes about women. I saw the gender divide and it puzzled me. Why can’t we just sit as equals and explore the world. That would be my nature. I am open to all sorts of people, I am not sitting in judgement expecting them to be like me, but the superficial chatter never attracted me. I was interested in the real topics and wanted to live my life fully.

Travelling is my nature. I suppose I would see it as travelling through life. I did work in up to 400 companies and that was a form of travelling through the business world. I never understood why women were the typists and the men the managers. It seems so strange to me in my first experiences. Why not just do what you are good at, why not let everyone have a go. I really had an egalitarian streak quite naturally. Be fair and share equally. I often went past gender and found myself in a place of values. At the time I didn’t know that but I have always had that universal feeling.

My true nature is peaceful, I am not aggressive by nature, I don’t like to dominate anyone or be dominated. I just like to be independent. I liked to do things for myself. I remember mum tried to get me to wear certain dresses, if I didn’t like them they didn’t get worn (sounds like most kids hey).

My nature was to stand up for myself. I had a big sister who was aggressive and I couldn’t physically overpower her. But I stood my ground, I definitely had my own integrity. I cried a lot at the unkindness I experienced and the constant fighting. My feelings were close to the surface it didn’t take much for me to feel upset. I had a lot of courage even when the odds were against me. I stood up for what I felt was right. I remember my dad saying that those who protest the most are not in the right. I didn’t agree with him, I was passionate and I did stand up, I was defending myself and felt I wouldn’t let the other get away with it, for them to think their behaviour was ok. I was grappling with tacit consent, if I walk away they may do it again. We are talking bullying here. He told me to walk away. I do see wisdom in that as you don’t escalate the conflict or put logs on the fire but I guess I needed to learn about myself through the conflict and found it hard to pull away as I was angry. I was also learning about the other as well. I would have to say I do have a stubborn streak as well to be honest. I also thought when pushed, I would find out what they really thought about me. I believed the truth would surface. Mum would be unkind and I thought they were her true feelings. So some insecurity there. Not my true nature, more personality and confusion about what made people behave the way they do.

As you can see through the conversation personality, events, family can actually confuse us between what is our true nature and what is our personality or how we are taught to engage, we somehow lose our true self in it. For me I know my true nature is based on values, so I can see those values today, at the time I was blissfully unaware. In other experiences I am mirroring my family or some other influence and playing back behaviour based on what I think I should do. Fighting was against my true nature, but I felt I could survive this way, if I didn’t fight I may be bullied more. So it was a defence mechanism.

Our true nature is nonviolent and naturally cooperative and caring. When it becomes distorted through aggression, violence, harshness and anger, we find ourselves fighting others and we can see ourselves as this person. Anger is a cry for help, doesn’t matter how big and tough you are, at the end of the day you are not coping as you ‘lost it’. We are seldom taught how to reason with the other, to work out what the real needs and concerns are, and how to de-escalate the violence. We are left with hurt feelings, often unresolved which wind us up in therapy years later or finding ways to resolve these conflicts as they don’t go away.

If we are men, it is not easy, they have to swallow the hurt or lash out and fight for what they perceive is their integrity. If they walk away and cry people think they are weak. Women can not be helpful here believing the stereotypes. Others can be supportive, as they cry also. Yet crying is a release. It is natural to cry to get out toxins and emotionally allow the hurt to surface, very important for health. Yet our society has a image of men which is not true. I feel for the men a lot and in particular, the gentle ones. My dad is a gentle man (remember the word gentleman hmmm) with an aggressive wife (cry for help remember). What can they do, he was not taught how to reason it out with her, at the time I doubt he could understand what was going on for her, she certainly didn’t, just reacted. He had to suppress his own pain as he didn’t know how to deal with it. Today he is not so happy, he has a second wife in that category (unresolved pain). I felt to express this as I feel many men don’t feel they can reflect their true nature or even touch it. It is weakness period. For me, when I see a gentle man, that is strength (providing it is not suppression). Suppression is violence turned inwardly and they can end up very sick if they don’t resolve the hurt. The violent image of the big bulky strong man without compassion, he feels no fear, doesn’t attract me at all. I see it as pure fantasy pretending strength is in physical power, when real strength is when you are in harmony with your true nature. Hollywood has a lot to answer for. It has changed the consciousness of generations to believe that violence is fun, exciting and powerful. Men are depicted in this way but I notice more females are being seen as violent (sigh). I see young boys (and men) playing these violent games and thinking it is fine, only a game they say. Wow if only they knew how they are filling themselves with fantasy and fear and the reality is they rewire the brain at the same time. In truth they are escaping but I am sure they will deny that. They find it hard to face themselves and their lives, so games gives them a sense of power when they feel powerless. This powerlessness and false self is magnified with young children. We learn from what we see and if we are emotionally charged by it, we re-wire the brain (neural pathways). So going back to the kind, gentle men, who know themselves in authenticity, when you find these rare gems, it is truly beautiful to be in their presence. I see this as man’s true nature, at least I am attracted to this. That is not to say the thrill seekers are not true to their nature, they are, I think of Steve Irwin here, he was a very kind man. He also had a innocent humility in his character, very authentic as a person and open to others. I remember a photo of him before he went for the fatal stingray dive, he was on a boat waving at some journalists. He had that sense of unity with others, he was true to himself and didn’t colour his words, just said it as it was in his view, he let others be who they are and was very kind and generous. I see that as one example of a man true to his nature. Look where it took him in life. The irony was he was trying to get people to wake up to the destruction of nature, which is the destruction of our true nature in reality. When you connect to your true self, nature is preserved, naturally.

Our true nature is what inspires painting, poetry, composition and romance. It is the beauty of life. That is not to say we don’t live in a world with the opposite, we do, the challenge is to stay true to your true nature, despite what others are saying, doing or being. This has been one of my strengths. I stayed true to myself. I chose not to go down the path of having to get married and have kids, get a mortgage, hold down a job and be successful. In fact my true nature looks nothing like the feminine images paraded on the covers of magazines. I don’t feel I have to nurture children, although I am aware of their needs and am aware when they don’t have boundaries. I tune in for sure. Yet I don’t feel I have to nurture everyone. In fact when I was married my husband and I split the tasks equally, quite naturally. He was very true to himself as well, he didn’t carry in his mind the ‘male role’. I didn’t carry in my mind ‘the female role’. We did what was fair and helped each other. Both of us were quick to help each other. There was no sitting on the couch waiting to be served. With me he’d be waiting a long time. We cooked equally and cleaned the house once every 3 weeks (3 of us in the house). So that was my instinct, had nothing to do with roles. Neither of us criticised the other, we tried to work out stuff. There was a time I thought I knew what he thought until he told me I didn’t. Then rather than fight it, I just went ok, I will ask you more about what you think so I am sure we understand each other. Never did I desire to control or tell him what to wear. I let him make his own choices as an equal. Not my business what he wears. If I wanted to dress up that was mine. If he wore shorts, no problem. We were both easy going, that was our true nature. We didn’t mind what the other chose. We just had a spirit of helping each other. It was a great relationship. In my marriage vowels I saw it as likened to nature in that we would compromise in the middle, allow it to grow and be natural. In the end when we broke up it was really as a result of external pressures and stresses from work. He also wanted to live in the UK. I didn’t fit in there. So we went our separate ways. I did feel it was time for it to end. It did feel right. When we saw each other last year for the first time in 15 years, he told me he was lost, he was when we were together. What I have come to realise is that being lost means, you have disconnected from your true nature. You are following others. That is precisely what he did. I don’t feel lost at all, I feel very grounded, as I found myself. This is why I am dedicating this blog to my true nature, to share with you how important it is to get clear.

So I will fast forward to the present day. I am very confident these days and I have no fear of disclosure of myself. I am not seeing myself as private anymore, that we are more alike than we know. Open dialogue or even a monologue is what helps raise awareness, if we keep silent then many people don’t realise they may feel the same as you. So open disclosure is important. In truth there is nothing to hide. It is to practice really hearing each other, that is the spirit of democracy.

Travelling the world is also natural. To see how other’s live gives you a sense of yourself and others, as you compare and contrast. I don’t see myself in my ego so much these days but more that I feel I am community. I have definitely found the spiritual connection, you only have to read some of the poetry to see the wisdom there. In some poems I have to research what I have written. I feel this connection in my tears as well, as when something significant happens I cry with joy. Simple beauty shining in my heart. I feel incredibly happy and fulfilled.

My true nature as I see today is recognition of being with the whole of life itself. When I travelled around the world I was practicing seeing myself as family with others, strangers. My time lived independently has helped me to see the bigger picture of which I am a part. Independence was like suspended from the ceiling and each new experience was a change to the empty space that started to fill. I was able to get clear with my own profile, who I am and to accept that. No part is insignificant and every story is of value. We are all learning about ourselves in order to know each other. When we see our weaknesses we can then feel some empathy for others still learning. It is not about condemning people but helping them to their feet if you can or letting them make their mistakes if they are not listening. That is their path. Freedom is to allow each to follow his or her path. I realise that I do not know the purpose of their lives and how this great mosaic is working. I don’t see the picture of the puzzle until the end. So I must not be in judgement of it. All I can follow is my own wisdom. I found most people to be kind in my experience. There are a few that enjoy being unkind as they love the drama and believe the shows that project power as aggression. At some point they will learn it doesn’t serve them and is out of alignment with nature. You can easily see this, if everyone is unkind what sort of world do you get. If we are kind, that binds couples, families, societies, nation states and cultivates happiness, which we all want. We are not after money, we are after happiness. I understand some of the greatest lessons of my life came from people I perceived as selfish, ego centric and cruel. I no longer see them in that shadow but in the light now. I see them as teachers and don’t judge any further. I don’t know their story. I know they helped me get to my feet.

So my true nature is flowing, accepting, expanding and loving. My name is not so important, it is my nature that defines me now. It is like a river that flows and just adjusts to change but doesn’t resist the flow. That is what I realised through a lifetime of experiences, of ups and downs, experiencing every emotion. I found love was the base of it all. That I came to see was the real god (omni), the source of life. For me love is my only religion, I follow no-one, only trust the source of my own love. As you must trust yourself, not be influenced by my words, but find your words, in the end they will be the same as they were never my words. I ask what if everyone did this, what would happen. If it is positive then go for it, if it is hurtful, think again. Love is what connects me to this natural world, called life. I feel all plant life as alive and present and equal to myself. To see the love in a dogs eyes or the wiley rubbing of a cat, all expressions of the one love. All of which I feel gratitude for being alive. That is why finding my true nature was the purpose of my life. My learning doesn’t stop here, I am at the beginning of a new awareness, for all awareness is circular and expanding. We are on a continual journey of finding the Self to find it never ends.

If you had a hard life, give yourself credit for surviving it. I remember telling a guy who was homeless having lost all his money and his 6 children in the financial crash in Ireland. I said you haven’t failed you survived 6 years on the street. That is an achievement, you should write a book and share with people how you did it. He didn’t expect that comment. He defined himself as a loser as he was thinking business made him respectable and of value. He felt homelessness meant he had no value, he gave that to himself, yet it was not true, he was still the same guy, he believed society, that is why he was lost. I gave him a hug and was grateful to have met such a great person. Wouldn’t have seen him if he was working.

If you believe you haven’t been that great, think of what you learned and then decide to make a change today to what your highest version and the grandest vision of yourself is, step into it. Watch the mosaic change. That is what Gandhi meant by ‘be the change’. The world literally changes.

So have a go at writing your own story. You may not want to publish like me, that is fine. Write it for yourself and see if you can distinguish between influences, personality, society and your true nature. See if you can drill down into the real you. You will be surprised to find who you are, incredible really.

Have a great day.