Is fatherhood our true nature?

When I was a child my father was my hero. He was the one I went to when I found life become too difficult. I had a home with lots of conflict. My father for me was an island of tranquility and that was where I felt safe.

In my adult life my father faded into the background until he was no longer present in my life. I found out from him his view of fatherhood was to provide for us until 18 and then it was over. I didn’t understand this for a long time and went through much pain over my father’s distance and lack of interest in his children’s life. I would see other families together and other friends talk of their fathers, I felt I didn’t have one anymore. It made me think about what is fatherhood. To me it is friendship, guidance, and interest in your life. I see a father as a person who knows me and accepts me unconditionally, happy to see that I am fine and in contact with me. In reality that is not what happened, he was absent and disinterested.

I want to say to all the fathers out there, it does matter that you are involved with your children and it changes their lives what you say or indeed don’t say. A strong family is the foundation to childrens lives whether they are 5 or 50, they are still the same person inside. I hear too many stories of fathers leaving their families or with attitudes of hardness towards their kids when they are hurting, as their fathers said be tough, don’t cry and all that denial of humanity. I can’t emphasise how important it is to learn how to express your thoughts and feelings nonviolently and to show love through a hug or an arm around the shoulder. The cowards way is to ignore people when they need your response. It is not feminine to show love, it is normal in a healthy family. Too many men are taught that strength is no emotions or remoteness, I can assure you it is the opposite. So many of my friends say their fathers let the mothers do it all, they sit back and are out of the picture or they fight their children or indeed compete. I saw this on my trip around the world. The men don’t know how to care for other people, most see their role as work or providing, not being a central part of family. The family is never the same without them and children are definitely heartbroken when they leave physically or emotionally.

I ask mothers to teach their boys compassion, to work in the household equally, to not favour boys over girls, to not accept behaviour that is violent or allow them to sit in front of entertainment that promotes aggression, sexism or behaviour that is anti-social. To sit down as a family at the dinner table not in separate rooms in front of the idiot box (television). Father’s can lead by example and talk about issues without criticism, promote cooperation, understanding and mutual respect. Too many boys do not get this education and there is an acceptance in society that this is the way boys are. Mothers complain the fathers don’t back them up or work together and in split families it is a nightmare. It is not the real masculinity of men. I remember interviewing a man who was an American Indian he told me he grew up in matriarchy. The women were seen as central to the tribe and when a baby was born the man would raise it for the first 3 months. This created in the man a feeling of nurturing and responsibility for his children and apparently it created close bonds in the family unit. In most cultures these days fathers are mostly absent due to work and cultures that promote that distance regarding it as strength or responsibility. Real strength resides in emotional intelligence, the ability to express feelings and truth, to model that to children. This creates a deep bond with women who feel often they are alone in their partnership, sole parents even when married.

I ask couples to be there for each other and live a life of nonviolence and show your children what a strong man is, he is understanding, compassionate and an equal partner in parenting.

This is a poem I wrote for my father when he refused to resolve a problem between us. He will not discuss anything, he will not apologise, he chooses to put you down as a response to questions or concerns about his treatment of others, he does not accept any responsibility for his hurtful actions. So it is impossible to heal the relationship or reach any real understanding. It just breaks my family apart. I will never know the closeness of a real family.

He is a bridge player and this is the poem I felt inspired to write to him. I was responding to his statement ‘if you can’t fix people, let them go.’ Essentially he is saying goodbye. So be it, I feel without negativity. I realise some people are not ready to face themselves. I truly love my father and I deeply miss him. This was the inspiration that came to me, I wrote it for my father, and I share with you and him with love.

A BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED WATERS

Is life a card game?
Or is it a game filled with cards,
A winning hand?
Or greeting cards?
This is the bridge to true reasons,
Of why we play the game.

Do we play bridge?
Or do we make a bridge?
A mathematical calculation?
A humanitarian connection?
For bridge is the art of strategy,
Empathy is the bridge to love,
And the finest bridge players know,
It is not to prove yourself better than others,
But to minimize mistakes,
To learn people reading skills,
Not from books but from life,
And this is how we learn the game,
We learn from our mistakes,
For the greatest mistake is in not learning,
And these are the players that win to lose,
The game of life.

For real life is not a game,
It is a bridge building exercise,
To meet in the middle,
To find there are many ways to reach others,
For every person is under cover,
And many tears are not discovered in time,
For the world of the logical is persistence,
A hard structure that is unbending,
That brooks no challenge to their pretension,
For righteousness is always right
without inner questions,
And forgiveness is always left
in the ashes of conflict,
That seeks no resolution or apology,
No explanation or analogy,
For those who win seek to make others lose,
To force their hand,
For they are dedicated to misery.

There are those who make choices where each can win,
They know it is not about the outcome,
But how we play the game that matters,
For this is the essence of sportsmanship,
This is true friendship,
That promotes fair play,
That shakes the hand of each player for having played,
For there will always be those who hide their hands,
And pretend different faces to cause confusion,
For they are two faced and no longer recognize their own reflection,
For judgement replaces understanding,
Tactics replace honesty,
Detachment replaces in-to-me-see (intimacy),
And competition replaces cooperation.

For when you leave the card table,
Returning to the reality of the highest game,
You will find in time when I lose you lose,
When you win I win,
This is the truth of the real game we are playing,
And when we choose a win win where everybody smiles,
and every one learns from their mistakes,
Then there is nothing to prove,
We step out of the unquestioned groove,
To find the game is over,
For only love is real.