Abuse or Harmony – we all choose

I am a Rotary Peace Scholar and I am trained in Conflict Resolution. I am a World Peace Clown and have taken many initiatives to inspire others to create harmony in their workplaces, at schools and on my world trip to work on inner peace within myself. My entire life is dedicated to harmony and it appears when you take such a stance you experience the reality of the world we are living in. It is easy to identify the modus operandi of modern working life and how far we are yet to move to create truly harmonious societies where all members are respected equally and not the few protected for reasons hard to fathom.

I am open in my communications and as part of my peace work I am adopting a different style of interacting with all people. I have chosen to live my life in authenticity and visibility. Some people shy away and feel vulnerable in being so open, I feel the opposite, I experience truth telling as deeply empowering and illuminating. I am deeply aware of the politics of this society and the deception many people accept as truth through group think or unquestioned thinking and many accept structures that do not promote collective wellbeing. The work of real peace starts with the individual and can be summed up by core values of love, truth (honesty) and positivity (unity). Moreover, I advocate the philosophy of Gandhi in respect of applying to my life and situations Satyagraha (holding onto truth) and Ahimsa (nonviolence, love). It is this latter value of love that I find the most interesting and the least expressed in our modern, so called advanced society. Yet it is central to being able to see truth and to reconnect people in order to create harmony.

I have worked in 400 companies and through these experiences I came to see the structures that govern our lives and the deep unhappiness of people. It comprises systems of hierarchy that place one person in power over another or others, roles that are task orientated or couched in titles that rank people in workplaces. These structures send invisible messages of value to people based on their roles, gender and status. The work places are predominantly run by men and therefore the thinking processes and response to conflicts are male orientated. In my experience having conducted research into gender issues in a Council I found that the thinking process of men and women are significantly different. Men in a generalized sense are more linear in their thinking typically focused and goal oriented, they are also trained to shut down emotions as it is not perceived as strong by other males or selected as a base for promotion. Women tend to be relationship oriented, communicative and typically look at the wider ramifications of decisions, they embrace emotions as they are typically the primary carers and are wired emotionally to sense more. These key difference I perceive has to do with issues of emotional awareness and wellbeing not only at work but in our day to day lives. In my experience I found suppression of emotions a salient pressure in the workplace and if expressed, it is silently viewed as out of control and unprofessional in a wider cultural perspective that is patriarchal. This preference of silent strength can be easily envisaged in what constitutes leadership qualities, primarily seen as male, strong, silent and calm making decisions, a father figure indeed. The masculinasation of leadership reflects a seriousness of process and adopts professional language that disconnects from the emotional or human aspects of ourselves (soft underbelly) and regards the presentation of the facts as central and balanced. Within this style of thinking is a belief that logic and intelligence is power as it disarms arguments and is approved of. These structures of thinking and hierarchy minimize the human aspect of ourselves whilst encouraging that we are our role and we must obey the system without regard to the humanity that lives and works within it.

As we are all emotional beings, you cannot suppress what is natural without some impact on others. Emotions that are suppressed become negative and they also serve to detach people from the emotional suffering of others. In the extreme they can distort into violence which seeks to physically harm others. This disconnection creates the environment for abuses to occur and can have devastating impacts on peoples lives. Statistically we have created a society where 1 in 4 have a mental illness of some sort and increasingly people are taking anti-depressants to cope with life as they feel out of control. Moreover, they must be seen to be in control as their livelihood depends on it. Therefore the harmony we see at work is a mask to the many emotional problems bubbling away that are largely ignored. After a while this suppression manifests in bullying, health problems, emotional breakdowns or leaving their jobs. This is the heart of the problem. If it is not visible it is not there, this is a fundamental flaw in our thinking as we are not sensing what is beneath the surface. This remains hidden in environments that are based on control rather than industrial democracy whereby people are encouraged to collectively problem solve to ensure harmony and happiness at work.

Suppression as the norm in workplaces creates the basis for abuses to flourish as unexpressed needs and emotions are not naturally released but bottled to be ‘seen to be’. The issue of abuse is an area that is receiving more attention as more people are affected by it. It can be overt or covert. The covert abuses are much harder to prove as they are well hidden and more debilitating to the person receiving the salient abuse. Examples of salient abuse are stonewalling, passive/aggressive behaviour, personality disorders (bipolar), covert bullying, gender domination, psychological games, emotional detachment as devaluing, ignoring (disempowering) and verbal abuse couched in innuendo. Centrally these behaviours are power seeking. The most frustrating part of covert abuse is the ability to prove it as it can be communicated as ‘nothing is happening’, ‘I didn’t know’, ‘they are imagining it’, ‘overreacting’, ‘over emotional’ and the list goes on. Proof only becomes important only in systems where right and wrong guide outcomes in a win/lose scenario. This type of thinking comes from judicial precedence in courts of law, originally designed to deliver natural justice (fairness) between disputing parties. The judge was the centerpiece and charged with hearing evidence with balance (scales) from both sides and then providing a wise decision. The problem with right/wrong thinking is that it can be easily subverted by those with money who can corrupt judges or pay for expensive lawyers. The true system of justice which is to ‘be just’ is no longer visible in a world of winners and losers. This system is being increasingly seen to be creating further injustice as parties are wounded and more people avoid the courts suffering silently from abuses and unfairness.

The Alternative Dispute Resolution movement arose to deal with the emotional issues that were the foundation to disputes. Many more women found themselves attracted to becoming practitioners in conflict resolution as they are natural problem solvers and have an ability to see the invisible in the emotional states of being. Moreover, emotions are culturally perceived as weaknesses therefore the system promotes the suppression. The processes in Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR) is not about right or wrong, it is a process that seeks to solve the problem for a win/win. This type of thinking reflects awareness that conflict is about misunderstanding, or where abuses are evident through unwellness, they can be lead to psychological support rather than assessment as labeling, to help the person return to wellbeing. It is framed in a compassionate model that seeks to guide parties utilizing facilitation to help them see, hear and learn from ‘the other’. In the adversarial system ‘the other’ is demonized by labels and made wrong for a dispute, so that one side wins. This also creates more injustice as it is not a healing model. To heal and not to hurt is central to this philosophy and the type of society we wish to create. In ADR we speak of ‘to do no harm’. This is the basis of a harmonious and healthy community.

Abuse does not create harmony it disempowers and has the capacity to destroy lives. Abuse is not conflict, it seeks to cause harm, it has its roots in anger, self loathing and manifests as covert or overt violence. The abuser or bully is a person who has disconnected his/her emotional state of being from ‘the other’ and often views them as an object. This type of desensitization can be seen clearly in the increasing acceptance of violence on television and the violent video games that young people are constantly put in front of, as the baby sitter. People can sit and watch people murdering each other on television with detached fascination rather than horror, which would be the natural reaction if we were responding naturally to life. In my own research with children I found they thought that violence was ‘cool’ and ‘exciting’ and peace was viewed as boring. These messages are conveyed to them through the media, through parental interactions and living within a general culture of violence.

To create a real culture of peace in every person, home and organization, we must first commit ourselves to peace in our personal lives, peace in the workplace and peace in society. Peace is a word but manifests in many positive values such as: harmony, cooperation, shared interests, integrity, honesty, generosity and love. It is what every person strives for in their personal lives but mostly do not see how they can extend it to the world around them in a practical sense. The ADR processes that were discussed can be applied in all our lives when we seek community rather than self interest. When we seek a win/win we are sending the message of shared interest of an understanding that when you lose I lose, when you win I win. The personal dialogue reflects ‘I am responsible for myself and my impact on others’, ‘I take responsibility’, ‘I seek to learn from experience rather than punish’, ‘I wish to become a better person’. This is the language of peace and harmony as distinct from punitive punishment that seeks winners and losers.

I am society and I am choosing truth, love and a society where best interest takes precedence over self interest. Where problems are met without judgement but decided on the basis of supporting people to find cooperation, understanding and renewed respect. I do not choose a society that wishes to demonise and ostracise ‘the other’ as an subject of abuse, this is counter productive and does not reflect the intelligent civilization we will become.

The world is going through significant changes. Our world is changing. There are new viewpoints emerging that are advocating for a new earth rather than a new world order. This rising philosophy is based on a loving community where best interest is self interest, where what you see in another is in yourself (the other is you), that we are one with our planet and are responsible for the health and wellbeing of all. It is a rising consciousness that understands that what we say and do impacts our world. We are at a point of choosing if we are committed to a world in fear or a world of peace. For the changes when they come will be fundamental.

I made my choice and my commitment is unshakable.

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