Respond to a Child’s Pain or Toughen Up!

I observed a man at the library today, he was returning items down a shoot.  His child, probably 3 or 4 ran off and he just let him go.  The child fell over and I noted the father didn’t respond.  Myself and another woman were aware.  He noted us looking at him and said ‘he didn’t cry’ and smiled.  I walked on and then heard the child cry. I said ‘he is now’.   I recall my brothers being taught not to cry.  I never saw them cry.  So their emotions were suppressed.  Violence emerges from suppression of emotion.  Anger for men is considered okay so they can let it out that way. If they cry people see them as weak, as only women cry. I shudder when I think of such a false teaching. I am glad I am a woman as I cry easily and I see no shame in it. I feel good after a cry and it is why my mental health is so strong.  I can cope with anything as I release all tension naturally.  I used to teach children that tear ducts release toxins from the body. Boys and girls both have tear ducts for a purpose, crying is natural it has nothing to do with gender. That is a conditioned mind pattern imposed on boys (not girls). We are allowed to be human. Hence the outflowing of compassion many feel they can express.

As I walked I reflected on the father not understanding the importance of responding to a child when hurt.  Men have a falacious belief that children have to be toughened up, that he did it to himself, learn from life.  As a woman who doesn’t have children I have ingrained instincts where I know the child needs to be attended to emotionally.  I know this as the child learns empathy from the parent. The parent is not just attending to needs but role modelling behaviour when a person is hurt.  What we see these days is people not responding to another’s pain or feeling uncomfortable. This is reflected in their own dealing with pain and how they have been treated.  

I don’t believe in over protecting children as they need to build resilience. I don’t believe in over attending but simply guiding. However, to be mindful you are a role model and the child is learning from your most intimate signals, this impacts thousands of people in their life.  So as parents not only is your responsibility to guide a child but through your modelling many people are affected so it is the business of the community to intervene.  I see that in this moment whilst I reflect.

How to toughen people.  I don’t believe in toughening them. I believe in making them more aware and independent. To help them to help themselves and show appropriate empathy when needed. To not over cotton wool but to encourage them to explore life, and yes there appears risks, but in truth our vibrational environment is the determiner of what comes into our lives. This is a new teaching in this world but it is an ancient law that what we focus on we attract. Our vibrational environment could be abuse and then we could unwittingly attract it as it is what we expect. To monitor ones thoughts and feelings is the best teaching a parent can offer a child. To help them to learn about how they feel and why. To look to what they want to feel and move towards that. To express emotions in healthy ways so the emotion is not trapped in the body or expressed later in life in unhealthy ways. I see punishment as only enforcing the use of force and pain as a means of behaviour control. I now see that it is to deeply embed a values system that is universal coupled with good role modelling and an awareness that nothing can happen to you without your invitation on some level. As we are spiritual beings having a human experience our lives are unfolding as they should. There are no mistakes and all we can do is become a loving presence gently watching over children and assisting them in answering their own questions through inherent wisdom all have within.

The teaching of the future will be different it will be love based, it will not be about competing or being better than others but expressing your own talents to enjoy life more fully.

So to the child who fell over – pick them up and hold them so they feel secure. Say loving kind words, don’t stop the child crying let them express their shock and feeling fully.  Just hold them peacefully until they are finished.  Ask them – are they ready to come in now.  They then say ‘yes’ or ‘no’ and we wait as guides. When ready we go on. What is happening there is that the child is being allowed to feel, the child is being given power over themselves, they are not controlled but respected. This is how values are taught naturally.  The reason this is coming into schools is that parents do not know how to teach values to children, they are increasingly busy and tired and they don’t have the time.  They may not have been parented properly themselves, so they only have that as a reference.  From my training in Early Childhood Education I am realising most parents don’t know how to raise kids deliberately, often it is in response to. I recognise they do their best and this is not a reflection of ‘bad parent’ it is to simply say there is ignorance and that there is more to children than people know. We have to be very gentle with them as they formulate who they are and liberate their strengths to be citizens who can contribute to our world sensitively, compassionately and lovingly.  The world is crying out for this now.  Do we embrace it?