Conflict at Christmas

I wonder how many families had conflict at Christmas? My friend who is a telephone Counsellor had many full on calls after Christmas of domestic violence. The stress around Christmas is very intense and for women, it can be an extremely stressful time of year. We spoke about the emotional stress of women and the physical stress of men and the need to take it out on someone. In western families often members have gone away and come back for Christmas. If there are any unresolved issues they can easily flare up. The expectation is that Christmas should be full of love and joy, but often the opposite is the reality.

In most cultures conflict resolution is not taught, so often, families end up in defence, attack and seeking to win an argument. The real issue is often deeply buried behind masks of triumph or tragedy. That is winners or losers or dominant persons and victims is another way of seeing the perceptions. Yet can we change other people? Can we make them understand our position? Can we force them to apologise when they don’t agree? So much confusion and lack of training around how to disentangle what can be very complex relationships.

My mind travels to parenting and families. In societies where the family has been divided through structural lines such as parents going to work, children going to school, grandparents doing their thing or in nursing homes it is clear that the generations do not spend a lot of time together. Moreover, the natural tendency for families and communities was to live together in groups, clans and tribes. In third world countries the aunts, uncles and grandparents form part of that community alongside friends and neighbours in a community where people are well known. Some children grow up with cousins like brothers and/or sisters, or relatives like family where the pressure of parenting is shared amongst the group. With the shift to broadscale agriculture and industrialisation, fathers become absent as they went to work. Thus mothers become the primary carers. If grandparents were not close they could end up raising kids alone. Children have a lot of needs and are still learning, so many lines of frustration are there. The pressure and stress from raising them can take people to the brink or edge of their coping ability. If they are unsupported it can be a huge burden rather than a joy. If a parent is over tired, or feels alone and unloved they can project onto their children their deep unhappiness. Some have personalities of control or copy their parents becoming strict disciplinarians or perhaps very easy going. There are many styles. If parents love each other they can model for children how males and females can relate in positive ways, if they don’t then there is tension and isolation modelled. Children can become emotionally harmed and these traits get passed on to the next generation. So for families it can be complex and stressful to get together, particularly if schisms, hurts and anguish have not been resolved or healed.

What I’ve learned from Byron Katie (refer www.thework.com is that our anger and discord is 100% projected, we are believing negative thoughts. She makes clear it is not the event where the hurt is, but in the thought around the event that is often unquestioned. Yet to really delve into yourself to find the projection in you, is very hard, as we don’t want to see what we may perceive diminishes us, we may feel vulnerable or weak (a loser). To really seek truth and identify your part in conflict is probably the toughest call as you have to welcome losing yet in reality you win as you live in peace. Many seek to make the other wrong or to label them or to find the enemy in them (right or wrong). They do this to feel good and feel justified in their negative actions. To look at self is the hardest part, as we have to see where we are hurting and what we have believed to make it true for us. We have to look at our own lies, that is hard as we have thought we are right. Yet the greatest betrayal is the betrayal of self. The greatest triumph can only be found in the greatest trial. Wisdom is found in the defeat not the winning, that is how we learn. To find peace losing has to become okay in order to live in alignment with what is true. You will feel a courage to face yourself and others. If you have to apologise you will, if not, then you will walk away peacefully.

What I have learned is that you have to give more rope to the other, give them slack make room for their humanness. To forgive is to let go of the anger, hurt or resentment you may feel and understand everyone is operating out of what they know. Some are just not prepared to look into the mirror and prefer to stay in denial that they have done nothing to hurt another or they feel justified in their hurting someone. These days we see more dysfunctional families where past hurts have not been dealt with or healed. So the wound comes up again and again with no resolution in sight. One must go within and make peace, there is no other way. There is great strength in allowing others to be the way they choose and for you to change or change the dynamic. Perhaps it is wisest to not go back to the family, perhaps it is best to just allow the comment to flow over your head, if you can’t do that then perhaps leave the room. If you are one that confronts to be authentic perhaps gently put it to the other, if they can’t face it, it is better off dropped. You can’t force another to see if they don’t want to. When someone is in defensive mode they cannot hear you anyway. You can try and reason but it won’t work as the same old story will come out, the same conflict dynamic will surface and someone will end up in tears. I see the philosopher’s stone whereby you must shape-change your hard edges, you must allow the hardness to become soft and smooth whilst the world challenges you. That is how you re-form yourself. Be open to change, learn to be flexible, learn to re-consider these are the conscious tools which enable adaptation to what can appear hard and rough in life.

Self responsibility takes time to develop, but at the end of the day you have to find your own peace. You have to look within and question the negativity that takes over. You have to assess is it true, can you be absolutely sure it is true, how do you feel how do you react when you believe your thoughts, who would you be without the thoughts then turn them one by one around. Wear the condemnation, criticism, judgement and gain deeper insights into your own insecurity, lack of self love, low self esteem, and unconscious beliefs that have been held quietly for years. Nothing can hurt us if we don’t believe it. If you check for truth and acknowledge what is true that clears you. It is cleaning up your consciousness. If you feel it is not true then you can understand that it is projection. According to Byron Katie none of us have met, only our projections of each other have met. I can see truth in that. As we change the world changes. Is all in my world a mirror of me? Luckily for me I do see a great world and I really love people but occasionally I see the separation where I believe a lie about someone else. However, I am working on it as I want to dissolve the stories I have created and the lies I’ve told myself in order to live more truthfully in this life. We are often working on a lifetime of stories that are unquestioned.

The beauty about living alone is that I have had the opportunity to be with myself 24/7, that means if I get cranky there is no-one to blame. I have to look into myself. I have to be able to live with myself and be alone with myself. Fortunately for me I actually love my aloneness, yet I am aware so many people are afraid to be alone, like they would be a social pariah or somehow isolated. Yes you probably won’t get invited to dinners but for me I have no issue with that. I have sat back and thought I’d rather work on truth then seek popularity. At the end of the day the journey to truth takes you many places and ultimately frees you to really live your life without clinging, needing or demanding from others. I don’t want a person in my life whoes job it is to make me happy, that is a big responsibility I’d be putting on them. I think it is far wiser for me to be my own keeper and find happiness within. If I can do this alone, then imagine with another. So far so good, I have found peace and happiness on my own. I live out a constant stream of creativity which takes me somewhere different each day. As I loosen up and allow life to be my light and carry me, I can end up anywhere. I had to laugh the other day I was at a lovely wilderness area. I had my book and coffee and just love exploring. I decided to go to my car and I suddenly heard heavy breathing behind me, I was startled. I looked around and saw a bull dog with a squashed up nose. I laughed and commented to the owner that I got a shock. I asked her the name of her dog, she said a word in Turkish ‘Barış’ I asked her what this means. She said ‘peace’. I laughed and told her I am a peace clown and educator. She was interested. I said I had wanted to go to Turkey to help the Syrian refugees, just seeking the right people to go with. She said she had been there a month ago and the Syrians refugees had been in parks. She then told me she was going in April. I gave her my website and suggested perhaps I could go with her. My feeling is that people need some happiness, even if for a moment, the kids could do with some juggling and play to lighten up a situation that would be full of sorrow. I can’t even imagine. My feeling was to go and just see if I can help. Maybe I can teach conflict resolution to the refugees so they get on better in the camps. Anyway, I’ve left it to the universe to see if it is my destiny. This is a flow of life I experience by being alone, I just see what happens. I am very used to just going with the flow these days. My life is not about structure and control. I don’t mind if people don’t do things my way, I prefer them to find their own way. I still have my conflicts but I am working on myself to try and weed out what is holding me back. Peace is a lifetime’s job but I feel it is worth working on. I am not perfect but at least I try.

So back to the central point of conflict at Christmas. My feeling is that everything happens for a reason. I think we are here to find peace in ourselves, we can’t change others. We are having these experiences to learn to live with diversity. I would encourage people not to reject or make wrong others, but try to understand your own discord, find out what is really happening for you. As they say, every person is your teacher. If someone rattles you then that is good they are showing you where you are not healed. You can hate them or be grateful as they point to what needs healing. Don’t expect them to do it for you, they probably won’t you have to find the virtues within that release you from the conflict e.g. forgiveness, understanding, compassion, truth and love. These are the central virtues that can heal conflict. They say love is the answer, I feel that is true. I don’t hate anyone. Some people have annoyed me, but in truth I have annoyed myself because of my thoughts about them. So I will work on patience and peace and simply let go.

So may 2014 be a wonderful year for you. Why not see all problems as a challenge. Don’t feel you are powerless in this world, you are more powerful than you know and you do make a difference whether you see it or not. Life is a miracle and we are blessed to be here at this time. Great changes are happening and we will see ourselves in a new light.

I send you peace and love and especially, joy.