I Reached Out with My Ethics

I have felt uncertain about where to next. I have had a challenging life where I have had to be my own support in reality. It is pretty daunting the idea of sleeping in your car and running out of money. There is a sense of vulnerability that many who have jobs and families have never experienced. Yet it is a good experience to have as you are forced to trust in life. As I listened to some wisdom this morning, I have to return to trusting the flow of life. It means surrendering and getting the ego out of the way and just allowing. I do know the power of allowing, yet often we fall back into routines where we are told ‘make it happen’, actually the truth of life is allow it to happen naturally. This is the secret to happiness. I forget from time to time thinking I am operating off my own steam.

So I have resigned from this caretaker position and feel happy about it. I left university and again feel happy about it. I am following my feeling which says ‘let go’. So today I felt to go towards the uni but stopped in my old suburb of Mt Gravatt. When I spoke to my friend Eddie who used to live with me and my former partner, he said Lez the old guy that lived nextdoor was upset we didn’t say goodbye nearly 20 years ago. I really felt this as something I must complete. I saw him I felt sure a few weeks ago when I passed through the suburb. Today I went for a coffee there. I felt to walk out and go for a walk and there he was.

I followed him into the shop and said ‘Lez how are you, do you remember me’. He looked at me and there was recognition. He is now 84 years old and still independent. He has a major stutter, and I felt on reflection he may have mild autism, or perhaps it is a strong stutter. Remember the King’s Speach, not easy for anyone. He is a very alone old man. I remember when we lived nextdoor hardly anyone came to visit. He used to call out to my bird, a cockateil called Banchee. I taught my bird to wolf whistle, I’d start and he’d finish. So cute he was. Lez loved my bird.

As I stood with this lovely old man patiently waiting for him to finish speaking, which was not easy. I smiled kindly into his sweet face. I saw such a beautiful innocence and I could see he was deeply moved seeing me. I was moved seeing him too. I touched his arm and gave him a hug. I told him he was amazing to be independent. He said he had just thought of myself and Paul (ex) a few days before. I think he missed us and I did feel guilt for not saying goodbye. Our presence made a difference to this old man’s life. I really saw it in his eyes. He is not used to looking into anothers face, socially he will be outcast and his stutter will mean people will relegate him as mentally ill. His mind is clear and he remembered from 20 years ago that I was studying at Griffith Uni. I reminded him it was Economics. He also remembered Paul going to Tafe college. I told him I had travelled the world, that I had lived in Melbourne for 9 years and had become a clown, like a circus clown I said. He smiled in recognition. His mind was still sharp.

I rubbed his arm and warmly said goodbye that I may see him around. Then I went to my car and just cried and cried. I felt the loneliness of this man and wondered if anyone cared for him. I felt I should do something. Later I thought I may get him a cockateil. He would love that, I may just drop in occasionally with a cake and say hi. I felt the love between this old man and myself. I saw past his stutter, I truly did and into the blue eyes of a kind and gentle old soul. So maybe my returning can be of service to this man. I would love to be able to do this with my own dad, but he doesn’t allow me to get close. So I have to let go.

So I reached out to this man, and I felt it deeply important. As he needed to see me. I am not saying goodbye to him.

Take care and give love to this beautiful world, and watch it reach back. xxx