Emotional Abuse is a Failure in Compassion
In my view what enables emotional abuse to occur is when low self esteem as a sense of worthlessness exists. I see this in both the perpetrator and the alleged target. It could be perceived as one is seeking power over through deep seated fear of powerlessness (dominance, manipulation) and the other gives power away through fear of powerlessness (not good enough, done something wrong, deserving of punishment).
It is so important to not believe that the abusive language or behaviour is true in defining you. We are not labels, we are people having an experience. It is important to not stay in abuse but to leave the situation or work out an intervention to stop it. This could be professional help or it could come from an inner change within you.
The inner dimension of abuse is to investigate what within you is attracting energetically the abuse. This is not to say you are wanting it, but something in you energetically is attracting a negative interaction, it may have something to do with low self esteem, childhood patterns reinforcing you are not good enough, fear or some may point to past lives.
It is important one looks into how they are thinking and feeling in relation to abuse. The law of attraction works on thought and feeling patterns. Beliefs and emotions that attach to those beliefs can set up patterns that are unhealthy, mirroring what is believed within. Thus someone may come to you in an abusive experience highlighting those lower negative feelings. Therefore, examine how you feel, if you feel peace then there is no issue for you, if you react then there is something for you to question within yourself. Some aspect of self unhealed. This last point is the core issue. The challenge of abuse is to discover what is unhealed and to transform the fear into empowerment. Power and control are byproducts of fear and healing and empowerment are the outcomes of self love.
Below are some perspectives on the definition and forms of abuse. Not sure what the reference is to this, I must have deleted it.
What is Emotional Abuse?
There is no universally accepted definition of emotional abuse. Like other forms of violence in relationships, emotional abuse is based on power and control. The following are widely recognized as forms of emotional abuse.
Rejecting
Refusing to acknowledge a person’s presence, value or worth; communicating to a person that she or he is useless or inferior; devaluing her/his thoughts and feelings. Example: repeatedly treating a child differently from siblings in a way that suggests resentment, rejection or dislike for the child.
Denying emotional responsiveness
– Failing to provide care in a sensitive and responsive manner; being detached and uninvolved; interacting only when necessary; ignoring a person’s mental health needs.
It is difficult to detect, assess and substantiate; and
– Many cases of emotional abuse go unreported.
Silent Treatment
Silent treatment is one of the worst forms of emotional abuse possible. By not responding at all, the other person treats you like you don’t exist. And, you feel totally alone. You won’t get rid of your loneliness by waiting it out, hoping your partner will start to talk to you. If your self-esteem depends on what someone decides to do for you, perhaps on a whim, you’re then put where you’re almost begging for feelings of self-worth. That’s on a lower status than a family pet. A family pet may beg for food at the table, but its basic needs, are usually provided in its own food bowl. When your basic needs aren’t met in your marriage, you have the right to speak up clearly and loudly.
Stonewalling
Today’s culture of the brush off, of stonewalling, provides an ambience for the cultivation of hypocrisy and the avoidance of inconvenient truth. The so-called reality principle or EGO is promoted from fetish to idol, with the underlying reality asserted being the maintenance of systems of dominance and exploitation. This realpolitik has it that, if there be no alternative to mob psychology than the authoritarian relations of social privilege, a stylized practicum of ego promotion / dysfunction is called for. To a biosocial mystique is appended a social psychology of reckless self-centered arrogance in the crudeness of the cult of ego.
Women, of course, react poorly to stonewalling, becoming angry, hurt, and frustrated, which likely causes them to criticize even more. Researchers have determined that stonewalling puts tremendous physiological stress on the closed-down man’s heart and autonomic nervous system, and produces measurable negative stress reactions for his mate as well. The reason: Men stuff their emotions without physically withdrawing from the conflict, while women tune-in to the man’s emotions. Any way you look at stonewalling, both husband and wife suffer.
Withdrawal or ‘stone walling’
Emotionally withdrawing or stonewalling, ‘closing your ears’ or ‘shutting off’ when a partner is complaining is another huge predictor of breakdown…men used stonewalling more. The partner may withdraw during conversations by ‘switching off’ or ultimately spend more and more time away from the relationship as a way of ‘escaping.’
Stay there – don’t run out and don’t go silent. Neither form of distancing resolves the conflict. Distancing is also a sign that one or both of you are not ready to make up yet. Be very careful of the “silent treatment,” which is a form of verbal abuse. This is why the proverb “don’t let the sun go down on your anger” is so often quoted – staying in until the problem is resolved is respectful and healthy. Stonewalling or just avoiding the issue is not respectful to our partner.
The Silent Abuser
Not all emotional abuse takes the form of shouting or criticism. More common forms are “stonewalling” and “disengaging.” The man who stonewalls does not overtly put you down. Nevertheless, he punishes you for disagreeing with him by refusing to even think about your perspective.
Both stonewalling and disengaging tactics can make you feel:
– Unseen and unheard
– Like you don’t count
What all Forms of Abuse Have in Common
Whether overt or silent, all forms of abuse are failures of compassion; he stops caring about how you feel.
Unlike love, which masks the differences between people, compassion makes us sensitive to the individual strengths and vulnerabilities of other people. It lets us appreciate our differences. Love without the sensitivity of compassion is:
Rejecting (who you really are as a person)
Possessive
Controlling
Dangerous
Emotional + Behavioral Changes Associated with Suicide
– Overwhelming Pain: pain that threatens to exceed the person’s pain coping capacities. Suicidal feelings are often the result of longstanding problems that have been exacerbated by recent precipitating events. The precipitating factors may be new pain or the loss of pain coping resources.
– Hopelessness: the feeling that the pain will continue or get worse; things will never get better.
– Powerlessness: the feeling that one’s resources for reducing pain are exhausted.
– Feelings of worthlessness, shame, guilt, self-hatred, “no one cares”.
– Personality becomes sad, withdrawn, tired, apathetic, anxious, irritable, or prone to angry outbursts.
– Declining performance in school, work, or other activities. (Occasionally the reverse: someone who volunteers for extra duties because they need to fill up their time.)
The Key to Eliminate Stonewalling
To recognize what is going on underneath the surface. Simply put, stonewalling comes about when a woman criticizes and her man hears that he is somehow wrong, “bad”, or inadequate. .. When they hear that they are failures (once again), you can expect men to withdraw and become defensive.
What can we do to eliminate or reduce stonewalling?
First, women must soften and tone down their criticism, reducing their contempt or blame. Women need to understand that their criticism sabotages and shames men and is counter-productive; men won’t change if they feel criticized and belittled. They will, however, respond well to loving, personal requests for new actions. Men are much more likely to open up if they feel accepted and respected.
Second, men must recognize their own stonewalling behaviors.
Know that stonewalling is damaging to them and to the women they love. Then, very simply, they have to begin to talk (not yell). It’s also helpful to admit one’s defensiveness. It’s even more helpful to listen, really listen with all your heart to one’s wife, because it’s for your own good. My message to men is: Open up the “stonewalls”. Let your wife in, and yourself out!
Communication rarely shuts down because people stop talking. The real impasse occurs when people stop listening, or refuse to start listening in the first place.