The Proximal Abandonment of Emotional Absence

This is the basis for a dysfunctional society and unmet needs which can turn into drug abuse, violence and deep dissatisfaction. This is the basis for lack of well being.

Emotional availability is the core issue with the meeting of children’s needs. Deficits are the basis for many different forms of dysfunction as children grow into adults. We talk about economics as allocating resources but nothing about the reality of human needs outside of materialism. This is about the emotional needs that are ignored to society’s detriment. Emotional presence is what all children crave. They crave to be seen and ‘heard’ by their parents who are not just responding through functional instructions but actually present with a child, emotionally responding. This is a fundamental need for healthy children.

Technology is extremely problematic as it disconnects people from their felt perception and it changes the neurology overtime as thought is directed in linear ways. Different pathways are wired and this becomes a blind spot in perception of the parent to the child and the child to other children. This has serious implications for the mental health of children and adults. Conflicts will increase as people will not notice, tune out, not feel nor know how to respond normally. They will deny reality as they escape into cyber realities. It is an area not understood but it is definitely a major problem in the future if it is not addressed now.

A video is provided below to inform the public and then an article on proximal Abandonment to raise awareness. Note: my bolding

Family time

What on earth is Emotional availability? simply its being present emotionally, not distracted by your Blackberry, TV, I phone, computer or money. Not concerned and anxious about what happened yesterday, or last week or worrying about what will happen in an hour, a day or next week.

Present, here, available. Here to play, learn, interact and observe our children.

Research shows emotional unavailability towards our children equates to proximal abandonment. There is physical abandonment and emotional abandonment.

Physical abandonment is primary while emotional abandonment is proximal. You are in the child’s presence but your mind is “on the other side of town” as a line from a famous old song goes. The x-box, TV, PSP, Internet, DS become the alternative “parent” serving as the sounding board for the expression of needs and vehicle of learning.

A reader asked how do we spot mental illness and do something before it’s too late? By being emotionally available is one simple beginning.

Don’t get it twisted, emotional availability is not giving in to every whim or desire. I recall a parent that literally said they give or buy their child everything they want because they can’t be there as much as they would like. This parent wanted to know why their child still was not satisfied and not behaving well.

Truth be told children thrive on your emotional availability. This is how they the learn to trust the world, understand how to operate in it well and pass on their own emotional availability to their offspring and to each other.

Emotional unavailability is but one of the root causes of addiction, mental illness, and low emotional intelligence– degradation of an ability to function emotionally. We usually spend time in our own minds (me, me,me) and are in a hurry, instead of being here and being with our children and each other.

Psychologist, Dr. Daniel Goleman, a officionado on emotional intelligence, speaks at TED on being present and stepping outside of your world. We can learn a bit more on compassion which totally requires the presence of mind here as well.

So Go on! get up get your kids and get outside! Me included.

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