Can You Love the Bully?

This is a contentious statement as all people would regard a person bullying as someone who is hurting someone and they should be punished. Yet what if I was to say to you that fear and hatred just places logs on the fire. It doesn’t convert powerless behaviour, it escalates powerlessness. I regard the person who is bullying as a powerless person as they are seeking to take the others power.

When I say love the Bully, what I am really saying is resolve the conflict and solve the problem, do not hate the person, it solves nothing. Only love heals.

To solve a bullying incident you have to build community at the school or workplace or social setting. A community that is supportive of behaviour that is cooperative, harmonious and friendly. This ensures no-one is isolated and vulnerable. Bullying behaviour is quickly stopped as it is not supported or approved of, this ensures that the person bullying does not draw power from the crowd. The person bullying may learn this behaviour from parents, from television, society or maybe is a person who doesn’t feel empathy for the other or is craving attention. Typically the person bullying doesn’t feel the other person’s pain, as they are emotionally disconnected and the behaviour is repeated. You may note I use the words ‘the person bullying’ rather than ‘bully’, as that is a label. We are focusing on changing negative thoughts and behaviour, the person is not a bully, they are much more than that. The behaviour is bullying, therefore the thoughts and behaviour driving that is where education comes in and there are a myriad of ways to enhance an awareness of empathy.

The issues of boys can be researched through Steve Biddulph’s ‘Raising Boys’ or ‘Manhood’, great explorations into boys behaviours. In ‘Manhood’ he talks about the importance of ‘good’ role modelling by fathers. He states that only 10% of father/son relationships are close. He also said figuratively men ‘give’ boys ‘take’, that is very illuminating. Moreover, in my own work I have come to clearly see that boys do not always face their pain or they hide it, pretending they are tough. This avoidance manifests in adulthood and they never take responsibility as they are afraid of exposure and the pain. It is very important that emotionally boys are helped to express themselves. Do what works, ask them what they feel, but don’t stop them expressing their emotions by reinforcing false stereotypes of ‘boys don’t cry’. You can teach them how to channel their anger not at people but at the problem. The tough boys are false stereotypes promoted by society that men are the strong silent types. Often boys are told to ‘be a man’, ‘not to cry’, ‘don’t be a girl’, etc. This really prevents them from showing their feelings, this causes suppression and when emotions are suppressed they become distorted into unhealthy emotions or projected as aggression or violence. So schools could consider teaching emotional intelligence and making it okay for people to show their emotions and own them.

Of course it is not only boys that bully, girls do as well, they tend to use more psychology rather than physical force. Although many more cartoons and games have girls depicted as being violent, so it may show itself at school. The issue of cyber bullying is a popular approach as kids don’t have to be face to face and can intimidate through electronic devices. There are ways they can mask identity so it is at times harder to detect. Nonetheless the key is behaviour that aims to hurt and isolate others. This has to be understood by addressing psychology, one on one or forums of children such as restorative justice.

I like the process of restorative justice. Here is a brief overview courtesy of wikipedia.

Restorative justice (also sometimes called “reparative justice” [1]) is an approach to justice that focuses on the needs of victims and offenders, instead of satisfying abstract legal principles or punishing the offender. Victims take an active role in the process, while offenders are encouraged to take responsibility for their actions, “to repair the harm they’ve done—by apologizing, returning stolen money, or community service”.[2] It is based on a theory of justice that considers crime and wrongdoing to be an offense against an individual or community rather than the state.[3] Restorative justice that fosters dialogue between victim and offender shows the highest rates of victim satisfaction and offender accountability.[4]

I teach values based education. It is important that children have an integrated values system such as respecting others, empathy (feeling for others), responsibility (getting involved), love (nonviolence), truthfulness (facing issues) and so on. If the school is values based and the teachers encourage kids to own their feelings and express them, then they don’t get suppressed under superficial words. Kids need to be able to express ‘I am angry right now’, ‘I am feeling sad’, ‘I am feeling lonely’ etc., whatever the feeling is, to be able to say that. In conflict resolution ‘I Statements’ typically look at expressing from the first person for example ‘When you took my ball, I felt frustrated because you didn’t ask, what I need is for you to ask first.’ So they become good at expressing themselves expressing their concerns and asking for what they need.

So yes, love the bully, don’t like the behaviour. Only love, kindness, compassion and modelling healthy behaviour reforms people. The commonly held belief that you have to punish, is just another negative behaviour attempting to teach through pain what is positive or appropriate. You can create consequences, you can help them to see the person they hurt and encourage them to look for ways to deal with their feelings in the future, or how they can talk to a person in a way that is respectful or how they will treat the person.

There are many ways to create a peaceful society. To model peace teaches peace. Show children how to behave through your actions. Work with justice, teach communication, teach them how to listen, how to identify when they feel insecure or powerless, show them how to solve problems and face problems with courage, teach them that pain means something is wrong, it must be addressed not ignored. Violence just models more violence as we have clearly seen in the world. Punishment does not create peace and harmony.

Look at material on a Culture of Peace, this will be the future.

http://www3.unesco.org/iycp/uk/uk_sum_cp.htm