Stonewalling can lead to Transformative Peace

I want to discuss stonewalling and what it does. It is not just simply saying to people I don’t want to talk, it has ramifications for others and does not promote understanding or solve the essential problem. Now I do realize there are people who are suffering in society today, maybe they have grown up in families where their needs were not met, they were abused (emotionally, physically), were ignored, neglected or caught up with parents having problems or perhaps within a single parent family. So there is so much more complexity and we are witnessing generations who don’t have proper guidance on appropriate behaviour that promotes harmony. You do notice that some kids don’t have manners or they just sit all day in front of computers or TV. So the world has changed significantly. Many are not adopting similar behaviours that are socially acceptable.

Having said that, stonewalling is a passive aggressive behaviour that is designed to control others through the power of silence. Many of the strongest people can be brought to their knees psychologically as a result of stonewalling. When a person communicates with someone and receives silence what it does is makes the person feel they have done something wrong. The person may try to repair the situation or find ways to get a response. The more they are stonewalled the more they feel to get a response and it becomes a hook that is like a spiral of distress. It starts to escalate feelings of rejection, isolation, powerlessness, worthlessness, impotence, objectification and the list goes on. The troubling part of stonewalling is that it forces people to turn on themselves as they cannot get answers as to why they are being ignored. They feel a loss of personal power. The literature states clearly that when stonewalling occurs it activates a pain centre in the brain, this is equivalent to physical abuse, that is why it is painful to be stonewalled. It is not imagined, it is a negative feeling.

When it happened to me I didn’t want to live. However, I started to strive to find answers and transform the situation. I started to study peaceful transformation more deeply and as I read I felt empowered. I chose not to hate the other person but solve the problem, as my training in conflict resolution taught me. I saw the person as a partner in problem solving. For me poetry became my channel to a higher wisdom and I was able to find answers and teach myself to love unconditionally. In the end I found a deep love for myself which truly surprised me. It is with me always.

Stonewalling is a strategy to block each other, it requires an ability to not feel the pain of the other and to justify in one’s own mind that there is justification in ignoring them. It causes division rather than healthy problem solving with the outcome of unity as healthy community. Stonewalling can cause people to become depressed, anxious, isolated, distressed, dehumanized, lonely and suicidal. So it is a form of passive aggressive violence in truth. There is a complete disregard for the other and there may be some pleasure derived in the feeling of power over the other.  Alternatively it can be the blocking of feeling as it is too hard for the person to go there.  So they wall it out, avoid, deny or not think about it.

The challenge in the present time is to find constructive ways to solve problems. To look at negativity as a challenge or opportunity to transform into something positive for you. It is not cotton candy pretence that it is not there, but finding the truth within yourself. As you are in truth loving, kind, worthwhile and meant to be here. Be clear you cannot change others, but you can change yourself. That is where the real power is. It is important to not ignore the cries for help of others (anger, cruelty) which manifests on the covert side as behaviours such as silent treatment, avoiding or the overt side of demonising others as power over rather than power within. It is to constructively engage. That doesn’t mean being submerged with negative dialogue or having to be their counsellor. I will give an example which happened to me a few days ago.

I had a situation where a person I know well is full of anger and bitterness towards others. Rather than looking inwardly and deal with the internal buttons pushed and facing the problem that is in truth caused by negative beliefs, the person projects the anger and pain outward towards others and stays in an endless cycle of hatred. She used words that demonise, put down, rubbish the others as a means of feeling justification for the abuse that she is victimised. In reality I have witnessed her own bullying and aggression towards others, she is a dominant character yet sees herself differently. What I chose to do in this situation is speak my truth. As we know each other well, I could do that, as I always have done it. I always speak of her strengths in my messages as I wish it to not be a criticism but constructive in raising issues she is unwilling to face. I bravely stepped in her space and advised her to look within as this process had helped me. I told her the anger and hate is actually thoughts of hate that reinforce a negative feeling inside her. She may feel she is not good enough on some level so fights to make herself feel better as the thoughts make her feel bad. In effect hating herself by believing these thoughts. Many people don’t see it in this way but I am starting to realize that the world we hate outside us is coming from our feelings within. That hate is held for years emotionally, yet believed as the hating of the other. Yet on some level it is believed internally that is why the anger is there. If the person loved herself and let’s say the other/s were not kind or had done something hurtful, the reaction wouldn’t be there as the love is turned inward. Love is like a shield, you can’t feel the abuse. I actually felt such love for her I couldn’t feel the sting in the criticism directed at me, I felt understanding not superiority. I was then able to have a space to be of service. When you love yourself you start to see the other person is in pain and so you seek to offer pathways to self empowerment but you can’t fix it for them. They are ultimately the master of their lives, you can give examples from your own, show a different way of seeing, but ultimately they decide for truth or being right. It can really come down to that. If we are seeking truth we will question our beliefs for truth. Yet people often don’t want to hear they have to look at themselves and so they will use psychology to attack you, your argument or avoid internal change. They are not ready right now. That is reality (as it is happening). That is what happened with this person.

Anyway she texted more abuse to me. I sat and thought about it. I felt this love come over me. I felt I can’t stonewall this person, it will escalate and I know what it feels like. So I wrote to her about my boundaries. I said I will not answer you if you are abusive, I am happy to work together to solve the issues between us. She sent back another one still finding a way to see it as helping me with my problems. Yet it was gentler, so that is fine. I just smiled, if she takes the step into looking within, I will go there with her. At this point I don’t think she is ready to deal with it. However, my truthfulness is to plant seeds. She is very difficult to deal with as she has a strong mind and a victim mentality that people are doing stuff to her, yet in reality she is very aggressive because she lives in deep fear and feels rejected. So that manifests into reasons why she hates the other/s, she has to devalue them to feel she is not rejected and somehow better. It is constant defence. This is stepping into the battle not leaving it. I invited this person to go into inquiry but I am smiling wondering if she actually will. Her pain will disappear when she realizes no-one in truth has power over her and if she questions her thoughts (inquiry) she will start to realize they are not true.

Psychology is powerful stuff and often it works against ourselves. If we seek truth then we decide to question the beliefs we are thinking and as Byron Katie asserts to go through each belief and ask:

1) is it true?
2) can you be absolutely sure it is true?
3) how do you feel how do you react when you believe the thought?
4) Who would you be without the thought (drop it) and finally
5) turn it around and actually see yourself as the source of the thought and experience it in a range of ways opposite to what you believe.

It is very powerful, you can find the work at www.thework.com. I really love it. I will be joining study circles soon to lose all fear in my life by questioning deeply held beliefs.

This is the beginning of peace gorgeous people. Sent lovingly from a peace clown. A clown for peace, no less no more… than you.

Keep smiling it is all good.