Professor Matt Sanders: The Parent Trap

I attended a Positive Schools Conference in Brisbane. I had the pleasure of hearing Professor Matt Sanders talk about parenting. I feel this is the key issue. Often parents don’t know how to parent and their inability and loss of confidence in managing their children in a peaceful and loving manner can create all sorts of behavioural and psychological problems. Some state the problem with kids today is lack of discipline. Is this the case?

In Australia we are witnessing a rise in bullying and cyber bullying. The issue of lack of empathy, violent modelling, poor parental supervision, poor skills or no time has contributed to conflict in the home, schools and in the wider society.

The family is the hub of society. How children are raised has implications for the future. If they are dysfunctional and detached we will witness more violence in the world. If they are raised in healthy, loving environments then the opposite will naturally occur.

World peace arises when we find harmony in all relationships.

This in an interview from Channel 9’s 60 Minutes with Professor Matt Sanders facing a panel of journalists about parenting.

http://sixtyminutes.ninemsn.com.au/webchats/263859/the-parent-trap-child-psychologist-professor-matt-sanders

The parent trap: child psychologist, Professor Matt Sanders
Sunday, October 23, 2005

Interviewer: ninemsn in association with 60 Minutes presents a live interview with child psychologist, Professor Matt Sanders.

Interviewer: Matt, thank you for joining us tonight in our live online chat.

Prof. Matt Sanders: Thank you for having me, it’s nice to be here.

Sven asks: What has lead society down this road that parents no longer have that influence over their children and children can get away with blue murder (it seems)?

Prof. Matt Sanders: Parents still have a tremendous influence over their children and there are still many parents who are effective and consistent and know how to discipline their children well. However there is little doubt that competing priorities, confusion and uncertainty about how to provide consistent effective discipline has contributed to this problem. Parents need to be clear about what behaviour they consider is acceptable. Parents need to be prepared to consistently back up basic ground rules with their children in a loving environment.

Grant asks: What’s wrong with the old concept of spare the rod, spoil the child? I was raised in that way and am a perfectly well adjusted person.

Prof. Matt Sanders: For many parents, corporal punishment is not the answer. Indeed some of the most difficult behaviour problems that we see, [are where] parents have already tried hitting their children as the answer. This is not to say the children do not need to be disciplined, they do. However, any discipline needs to be consistent, fair, age-appropriate and agreed to by all adults involved. This enables children to understand what is acceptable and what is not. Most parents who I see with significant problems with children, corporal punishment hasn’t worked. It doesn’t work and cannot be made to work with their child. Furthermore, parents using corporal punishment are often modelling the very behaviour they wish their children to control. At the end of the day it’s up to each individual parent to decide what kind of discipline method will work best for them and for their child.

peppers asks: Can you please explain “time out”? Is it a circuit breaker or should we insist a child apologises?

Prof. Matt Sanders: Time out essentially means time away from a positive environment as a consequence of breaking a rule. Time out works best when it is applied consistently, each time a problem occurs. It can be a major circuit breaker for preventing the escalation of parental anger. A key to it is to allow the child to calm themselves down. It only works in a situation where a child is receiving plenty of positive attention for good behaviour and it is done firmly, calmly and without raised voices. Even then, time out will not work for all children or for all sorts of behaviour problems. Brief periods of time out, usually two to three minutes, are sufficient but time out begins once the child has calmed themselves down. Apologies are not necessary to make it work.

Tree asks: Should time out be away from the child’s room?

Prof. Matt Sanders: Generally, the child’s bedroom is not the most effective time out area. The main concern with the bedroom is that there are often interesting and attractive things for the child to play with. It is an environment we want children to feel relaxed in for sleep. Many different areas can be used as a time out place. The key principle is the child stays there until they are co-operative and then return to the place where the problem arose in the first place. Then they can practise behaving well in that situation.

Nan asks: When putting my grandson into time out, I have to pick him up and carry him in as he will not go in himself, and then hold the door handle so he can not open the door. Is this the right thing to do?

Prof. Matt Sanders: In a situation where a child is not being co-operative, it may be necessary to use some physical guidance to get the child to the time out area. It is probably a good idea to use what we refer to as a quiet time routine as an interim step before being placed in another room. Quiet time can be on a stool or on the floor in the same area where the problem arose. The key is to keep your cool, not to get cross or angry, and to allow the child to calm themself down.

Catbeanie asks: Do you believe that diet plays a part in a child’s behaviour?

Prof. Matt Sanders: Yes, for some children. However it is highly unlikely that the kind of behaviour seen on 60 Minutes tonight would be manageable with dietary change alone. Having said that, a healthy diet, of course, is critical for other reasons, such as obesity and children developing a healthy lifestyle and there are many children with behaviour difficulties whose behaviour is less than optimal. Many of the problems with children being out of control are learned behaviour patterns and they are maintained because the behaviour is successful is getting the child what it is they want. Such as the sweet, the toy, avoiding going to bed etc. When this behaviour pays off, it tends to be repeated.

bnv asks: How can a parent maintain their cool? It seems to me that it can be maintained for a while and then something small will happen and I (for eg) will explode. How do I stop that?

Prof. Matt Sanders: The key to changing one’s anger is to change how we think about the situation. For example, if our children are demanding and they break or spill something, if we think that a child is engaging in this behaviour because they are deliberately trying to upset us, in other words, if we believe there is a deliberateness about the behaviour, then parents are more likely to become annoyed and angry. Most times when children are misbehaving there are other reasons we need to consider: they are tired, they are hungry, they are three years old. The more we explain children’s behaviour by not blaming them the less likely we are to lose our cool. If we see it as a conspiracy we will get upset. So, the next time you find yourself getting annoyed, ask yourself a question: what am I telling myself about the reason my child is misbehaving? If I am thinking he is doing it because he is a little brat and he’s trying to annoy me, of course we will get upset. Change our thoughts and we change or emotions.

Fi asks: I don’t know how to control my daughter when in public/shopping [she] wants something and doesn’t get it. I usually end up bribing her with something else which I find annoying. I wish she would just listen and accept my decision. Can you please help me?

Prof. Matt Sanders: The key to shopping trips is discussion of the ground rules before leaving home. There are three simple rules:
– Stay close
– Use a pleasant voice
– Do as you are told

Ask the child to repeat the ground rules just before entering the store. If the child is keeping to the ground rules, give lots of praise and encouragement. A sticker on the hand at the end of each aisle for keeping the rules can be effective. Do not bribe your child to not misbehave, but be prepared to reward good behaviour when it occurs. If the child breaks a rule, stop, look into their eyes, call their name, and describe what they have done wrong. Restate the new rule and continue with the shopping. If your child throws a temper tantrum managing this in public is easier once you’ve bought the behaviour under control at home through a consistent routine. Time your trips so they don’t overlap with meal times or nap times, keep the shopping trip short for the first five or six times then gradually lengthen them. Celebrate good behaviour on shopping with a fun activity afterwards.

Anoushka asks: How do I stop yelling at my kids? How does my yelling affect them? My kids are well-behaved and I feel that I should definitely not be yelling.

Prof. Matt Sanders: A lot of yelling in the home can be stressful, for children and for parents. If your children are behaving well there is probably little need for raised voices. Have a concentrated focus each day to reduce the number of times you do yell. Keep track for a single day to notice how many times your yelling happens and make a decision to reduce by half the next day and so forth. If you find yourself about to explode, take a few deep breaths before saying anything and remind yourself that shouting will not help. Look away, walk away until you are calm and then try again.

scared_parent asks: If I loose my temper, should I apologise to my child?

Prof. Matt Sanders: Yes, but be prepared to chose your moment well. Often the best time is when you have calmed down and your child is not upset. Don’t go into a long-winded explanation, a simple apology should be sufficient. However if you find yourself apologising frequently, then it is not working and try another tactic.

gtm795 asks: How young is a child generally when they can comprehend the behaviour = time out concept?

Prof. Matt Sanders: Time out or quiet time generally works best from about two years on, where children’s language has developed to the point where they understand a simple explanation of behaviour and consequence. They may understand at an earlier age and the routine can be used from about 20 months onwards. The key to the success of using consequences is not the child’s comprehension of the behaviour timeout link, because many children with well developed language still have behaviour difficulties. Even though they may understand the rules they simply don’t follow them. A rule is only as good as its backup, so the success of discipline strategies relate to the fact that the consequences are predictable and consistent rather than the child understands per se. These strategies have been shown to work with children with very poor language skills.

youngmum asks: I have a lot of trouble with my sons grandparents. They don’t stick to the rules we have set out and are very old school about discipline ie. if he bites you bite him back, if he is naughty, smack. How do you train the grandparents and your child?

Prof. Matt Sanders: Grandparents can always do a triple P course. They are never too old to learn there are different ways to discipline children. At the end of the day you, as the parent, have the right to how your child is raised. It is often a good idea to discuss your concerns and provide the grandparents with written information that explains more clearly the strategies you are trying to use. The internet can be helpful here. On the other hand, children do learn that sometimes slightly different rules operate in different homes. Just as they learn at school not every teacher is the same as every other teacher in relation to expectations of a class. Children learn to cope with this and it is normal.

Alex asks: Pardon my ignorance, PPP? Can you explain what is involved?

Prof. Matt Sanders: Triple P stands for the positive parenting programme
Information about the program can be accessed through www.triplep.net
There are five key ideas behind Triple P:
1. A safe engaging environment — that is, when children are busy and have lots to do there are fewer problems.
2. The importance of a positive learning environment. This means children need plenty of praise and encouragement for the things they do well.
3. Assertive discipline — which means children need fair, clear, predictable and age-appropriate rules and parents need to provide limits and consequences when the rules are broken.
4. Reasonable expectations, both of a child and yourself as a parent, remembering everyone makes mistakes.
5. Taking care of yourself as a person.
We are better able to be consistent and tolerant of our children when our own needs for support, intimacy, privacy and a break are being looked after. There are no gold medals for martyrdom in parenthood.

megs asks: I have participated in the Triple P program which I found really helpful, and I also tune into the Super Nanny. What, if anything, do you have against the strategies she uses?

Prof. Matt Sanders: I think it unnecessary to insist the children apologise after receiving quiet time or time out. Many of the basic simple strategies shown on Super Nanny can be effective. However, I think it’s important to remember that many of the changes we are looking for in children are not a simple quick fix. The importance of building a strong relationship by spending quality times with children can’t be over-estimated. When we, as adults, are busy, distracted and children are not sufficiently high on our priority list, everyone suffers. Super Nanny definitely has hit a responsive chord with many parents in the community. However it is a television event and has not been subjected to the kind of careful study and evaluation that good quality parenting programs have.

naggingmum asks: Do you think it is a coincidence that there are so many working parents these days (ie. both parents working) and so many behaviour problems. Are children’s needs simply being ignored?

Prof. Matt Sanders: Some children are. However, there is little evidence that shows that simply being a working parent is the cause of behaviour problems in children. The vast majority of working parents do not have behaviour problems with their children. However, every parent needs to develop practical and realistic ways of balancing work and family so that children don’t suffer and their work performance doesn’t suffer. This means teamwork, good childcare and avoiding the trap of importing the stress of the day from work, into the home is important. At the same time, many people import the stress from home into the workplace. How many parents and children start their work or school day after conflict over getting dressed and getting fed in the morning? Our research shows that parents who are in full-time employment are less likely to know about parenting programs in their community. Only a small minority of parents do a parenting program. I would like to see parenting courses become a healthy, normal thing that everyone does.

meg asks: What is your view on the multitudes of parenting advice books and the contradictory advice that they give. Is there a simple answer that helps parents navigate conflicting opinions on child raising styles?

Prof. Matt Sanders: There are no simple answers to this. It is true there are literally hundreds of parenting books on the shelves and it is difficult to work out which have been properly trialled and evaluated and include quality information and advice. Triple P is one such program that has been developed in Australia and subjected to over 25 years of careful research and can be recommended to most parents as containing parenting advice that does work.

busyboy asks: How does one find help with children with special needs?

Prof. Matt Sanders: We have recently developed, with the Disability Services in Western Australia, Triple P Stepping Stones. This is a new program for children with special needs. It has been subjected to two careful evaluation studies that have shown the program to be very successful for children with serious challenging and disruptive behaviours. A parenting workbook has been developed to assist parents of children with special needs and is available on the Triple P website.

Interviewer: Unfortunately Matt, we are out of time, do you have any last words for those that have joined us tonight?

Prof. Matt Sanders: I would like to say that I strongly believe that our children all deserve quality parenting. We need to turn things around. Good quality parenting programs should be accessible to every parent in Australia. They should be funded by Government and be free. We have simply created a situation where too many of our children are developing preventable problems and parent education is critical to the solution. For further information about Triple P, you can contact www.triplep.net. Parents interested in parenting information can also access my book Every Parent: A Positive Approach to Children’s Behaviour, published by Penguin. Thank you for your interesting questions tonight. Good night.

Interviewer: Once again thank you and goodnight. This concludes our live chat with Professor Matt Sanders, October 23, 2005.
Produced by ninemsn.com.au in Sydney, Australia
2005 ninemsn.com.au

Reporter: Peter Overton
Producer: Glenda Gaitz