Why Won’t People Discuss Problems Anymore?
I have to write this blog as it has been my long experience of others not responding. Of course there are people who do but what I find if you say something that is too deep, meaningful or in any way challenging people go to ground. I recall years ago if there was a problem a person would come to you and talk about it. In those days there was more community and parents would encourage you to take up the problem with the person. Having said that adults were not that good at resolving conflict. I came from a family where fighting, strong mindedness, outspokenness and lack of resolution was the norm. Sorry did happen but not a lot. Mostly, like most families, people were not taught to question their thinking and sit back, pause and think about what had been sent. Importantly how the other felt. In those days people were in front of each other now we have technology, we may be able to communicate more but we are not face to face so we can’t read how they are responding. Things that should be said are not. Resolution is not considered important and people carry many wounds as a result of it.
I am a good communicator myself. It is in my nature to speak. One of my friends says I am a natural orator, that is I can communicate at length. Some may critique that and say I speak to much but I have come to understand through my development in the peace area that people speak the amount they need to. Others may be critiqued for not speaking enough and so it goes.
What I would like to say to people is to have the courage to face where you are uncomfortable. It is not the other doing it to you, it is you doing it to you as you are in that moment believing a thought. It is our thoughts that create stress, it is never other people. I know this having lived alone for a long time. I did this as I wanted to explore inner peace. I can’t do that with a partner, I can only observe myself with myself. Not having full time work has been good because I can observe the natural oscillations of moods and feelings overtime. It has been very insightful for me. What I notice is that we are the architects of how we feel. If we have low self esteem we will look through that prism at others believing they think they are superior, better than us and feel resentment. Of course being less than another is never true but if a person believes it they will look through the filter of ‘not good enough’. If they feel they are superior lets say they are an academic and they have PhD they have proved they are smarter then they will evaluate on the basis of education. So how do they treat others if they have a bias against lack of education (in their mind). They may dismiss the others opinions, beliefs, experience as not informed. They may not give the other any time as they have no qualifications to have a say. So the filter excludes. If a person is feeling inadequate that is again ‘not good enough’, ‘smaller’, somehow inferior. They will look through a filter and see others as better, they may think of them as grandstanding, full of themselves, looking down their nose and so it goes. Many of these feelings are not articulated they are buried in the psyche and responsible for reactions that create conflict. Unless this is questioned the other will be blamed for how someone feels. If they are afraid of conflict, they do not want to be questioned they will refuse to communicate all together. What this does is creates further misunderstanding as the other party doesn’t know what they have done. They know something is wrong but they can’t pinpoint the issue. We see this with bullying, particularly covert, where a person may exclude another. Stonewalling or silent treatment, in my experience is a major form of bullying. People get excluded by the group. It has happened to me 3 times in my life and it wasn’t pleasant but it was a good teacher. I was isolated on a peace program and it was there I saw the others felt somehow intimidated or had judged me in a certain way. All of it was unquestioned. I had to laugh at the time, some were mediators and psychologists, so it shows you they are not resolving conflict or questioning their own thinking. Most people think they are right and they believe it is true and so their actions are justified. Excluding people, being unkind to people, aggressive is never justified it is just unquestioned thinking. Some may have learned it from family and it is truly unconscious.
These days more and more people are ignoring each other. This is very problematic as they themselves won’t grow through challenging their own thinking. So they believe a person is jealous, spoilt, cruel, arrogant, ignorant, boring and so on and as a result of believing the thought they treat them in a negative way. If they don’t answer silently they send the signal of not interested, you don’t exist or avoidance so they don’t have to face the issue. This makes it impossible for the other to resolve the problem as they don’t know what it is. I have seen prominant and intelligent people ignore or remain silent, even those interested in peace and it has been truly astounding to me. I suppose all I can put it down to as they won’t go there but they are not following their own advice or beliefs and walking the talk. Conflict is hard no doubt but if you face it over an over, it gets easier. You start to understand that all problems can be resolved and this person is really a teacher. Certainly today I have seen all those who have treated me negatively as teachers. Can I love myself despite their treatment of me? Can I see the power game for what it is? It is designed to silence me. It is about taking power not giving it. Disclosure and visibility is about giving power and sharing it rather than keeping someone in the dark. Secrecy is always a sign of power or the underlying experience of powerlessness. Powerless people tend to take another’s power as they want to feel they are superior, better, in control or an advantage. Those who have true power which is self esteem, self love, truthfulness, fairness will always seek to share power. They will find out the other’s perspective, they may feel bad and seek for resolution as they know the other is suffering. When people don’t respond to suffering it means emotionally they are blocked. They are ignoring the emotional landscape as they feel insecure there. They prefer to operate in modes where they are in control, procedures are clear and they can dictate the terms. In emotional situations they are not prepared because they haven’t dealt with their own emotions. If they have been taught to suppress their feelings, to conceal their truth (not safe, judgement) they will not be able to deal with a person who is open. In the world we are in today disclosure of truth, feelings, opinions is not always welcome if it is counter to the mainstream or the others position. Rather than embracing diversity and democracy they tend to close down anything they feel is threatening. They won’t think threatening they will just feel contraction, stress, discomfort and blame the other for that feeling but really it is a button being pushed. Those self aware and emotionally intelligent will immediately look at themselves and seek to resolve the issue within. Once they do that then the other can’t push a button. If you love yourself and someone says you are ‘shit’ ‘nothing’ etc. you won’t flinch as you know it is not true. If you understand projection you will see that what they see in you is in them. In many cases the world as people see it is coming from their own mind’s projection based on beliefs, education, culture, media, gender, age etc. They will filter information that way and believe it. They then project it onto others. For example you are walking down the street at night. You are a woman. You see a tall man who is dark wearing a baseball hat and looking scary. You will think of t.v. what you have been brainwashed to see in violent films and believe this is true. You will get scared cross the road. What I did when I was in London was go into my inner feeling when I saw a man at night walking on my side of the street. I would then make a decision to make eye contact and say ‘hello’. I did this a lot and found the other simply smiled and moved past. I made myself face my false fear to realise none of it was true. For many years I’d walk at night and in a park. My mother once rang me and told me it was dangerous. I told her the opposite, I said the park was peaceful, everyone was watching scary films inside, I had the chance to smell the fresh air, feel the stillness, enjoy the dark, the plants and get some exercise. Nothing happened. I laughed at the fears created by society, most false. Yes violence does happen but I know these days that life is not what you think. I realise that we live lives of our own making. If you live in fear you can attract what you fear. I also know we are spiritual living physical lives. So that opens up a whole new perspective of life and why we are here.
So I’ll put it to you this way. When you realise life is a learning journey and you are part of a larger cosmic picture. Your fear levels drop as you see it is something to learn from. If I am meant to experience an attack then why fear it, if it happens what did I learn. Some great outcomes have come from challenges where a person has changed their life and worked for victims of this or that, or chosen to speak out, or chosen to take back their power. They have come to see the world differently and chosen to make a positive difference.
So imagine if people spoke to those they felt challenged by. They would find the other is not the problem but an opportunity for them to learn something. If you saw everyone as a growth opportunity wouldn’t you welcome life as it comes? These days I am learning, albeit through ups and downs to face life square on. To not be a surface dweller smiling to someone’s face and frowning behind their back but genuinely smiling as my authentic self. Rather than judging a person’s life I have come to see that people are on journey’s and they are learning something from the experience. In my world there are no failures, although in moments I can feel like one, but it is never true. You can never fail to breathe, to smile, to eat, laugh, to live. If we see success in the smallest acts these are acts of kindness we give to ourselves. If we feel gratitude life has a habit of bringing us more of what we love, what we feel grateful for. If we turn or negative situations into positive learning experiences where we can practice love and compassion then we can never be a victim. To be a victim means you have no choice. Everyone has a choice on how to see themselves and the situation. Everything in my view is a test of sorts and my practice is to love unconditionally under all circumstances, this is not easy as I too fall into the trap of believing my thoughts, but thankfully I am present enough to know if it is negative it is never true. If I feel love I am living in the truth. The emotional system is there to show you when you are on track or off track. You feel good when in alignment with your true self. You feel bad when you aren’t. It is very simple. So if you are down right now you have to reach for better feeling thoughts to bring up your feeling state. As if you stay too long in that negative state depression can come which is a denial of joy. So you can attract more of what doesn’t feel good. You are always responsible for your happiness, not one person can make you happy.
Your job on this planet is to find what truly makes you happy. For me it is a spiritual life. I am understanding when I move from the ego and into selfless love for all I feel much happier. As a clown the greatest moments of my life were giving to others. To live to give is what sets me free. To look for the good. To realise that there are no mistakes and that all are doing the very best they can given their vision of the world.
So if you are stonewalled try to speak but then send them love and know they just can’t talk right now. Allow the universe to guide you wisely. It always will when you ask.
Peace and love
Peacefull clown