The Powerlessness of Bullying

I’ve been talking to schools about my peace, nonviolence and anti-bullying program today. I then came home and watched a film on Bullying. I watched children being hassled by other kids, some of the language secretly filmed was very aggressive and threatening of physical violence.  I watched the children unable to respond. I reflected on the fact that many of those bullied are gentle or they don’t seem to fit in to what is perceived as the norm. They are gentle children who do not have a script for violent or abusive kids.

What was interesting to me in the film was the parents questioning their son who was being bullied and hearing them asking why he didn’t tell them and did he think it felt good to be hurt. I found the questioning almost blaming him for what was happening. Not unlike the rhetoric of the person raped blamed for being raped – she is provocative or walking at night. I saw the same boy being told by the counseller that she had helped him in a previous incident and him indicating that the behaviour didn’t stop. She as a representative of the school had not followed up with him. I noted others saying he should speak up, the reality was he was a quiet kid and he didn’t speak up. That is not to blame him it is the reality of the situation. All sorts of emotions would be going through him and he would feel the humiliation and powerlessness of the situation. I watched the blame game and powerlessness play out with other staff and interactions. I felt empathy for the child who really didn’t have any adults taking responsibility for their part and their inability to protect him at school.

When I teach anti-bullying at schools and I use Jane Elliott’s (Blue Eyed Series) work and divide the class by eye colour. I have the children experience inclusion and exclusion as an experience not a theoretical talk. As experience is remembered talking is less so. Interestingly, one of the fathers in the program said he never understood the words ‘walking in someone else’s shoes’ until his daughter was bullied. So my work I seek to give an experience so people get it in mind, body and spirit. The latter means we feel something. I found it very powerful to have the kids divided and then to discuss how it felt (emotions) being either included or excluded and what could be done to stop isolation of children in the playground. I indicated isolated children could be different, unattractive, overweight, disabled, different ethnic group or gender. So it is not a matter of stiff upper lip we see so many men believe or simply hit back, my own father said that when he was bullied. I see a future where we take responsibility and face the fear of the situation and find ways to resolve it. Children in fear can unconsciously attract situations through body language or seeming afraid, others sense this and they use the situation to gain a sense of power or self worth. So there is deep psychological reasons why this dynamic creates. I envisage nonviolent schools in the future that are problem solving, so simply whacking them back is not the way we teach community, support and safety. Yes it may scare off the bullying person but it still allows others to be bullied at school. Not every child can hit back. I know I would never hit a child, I had to bluff toughness to get some kids off my back. I was gentle and didn’t like to be unkind or aggressive, so not every kid can do that.

I see a current society living in a world where violence is accepted, we watch it on television, we see it at work and we play games that demonstrate power as violence. The film industry and media are showing violence, calling it entertainment and creating it as a social norm when in truth it is deeply dysfunctional. I don’t watch tv so when violence is shown I physically and emotionally react as I am not desensitised. Those used to it will think it is nothing or even fun linking it to manhood or drama. I remember recently walking around Hollywood and deeply reflecting on the film industry and the fear it has created. I wonder if the actors, producers and script writers see the link from their stories to manifesting reality in the world. It is the same as the large defence manufacturers in the film Bowling for Columbine and the school shootings. Can they see their own endorsement and marketing of violence as affecting the children and normalising something that is not going to evoke kindness and compassion. Why not move from defence and attack into problem solving and self responsibility. Why not question our unquestioned beliefs. Until these fundamental beliefs are addressed for truth we will build up a perception of fear that we have to be protected (in some countries by guns), we lock our doors, we don’t trust our neighbours and we increasingly feel isolated. We see the aggression played out in the sports arena, in political circles and war zones. We see might as right rather than sharing power for a win/win. When one child dies from bullying we all lose, when one person dies in a war, same deal.

The other option or choice is to tackle problems nonviolently, face our fears rather than cotton wool people, get to know the neighbours, involve ourselves in community, become aware of what we put into our heads and bodies, what we read and believe.

We can choose positive uplifting thoughts, we can get out and live our passions, we can envisage a much happier world that is responsible and feels empathy for others. We can feel and live again a life that harnesses our potential rather than spending our lifetimes working out childhood issues, mental illness or avoiding life in front of the television. It is truly a wonderful world when you embrace it proactively and support positive communities.

Why not excitedly look for alternatives to violence. I look into my own life and the joy I feel is enormous. I have no desire to pick on anyone, I have no desire to win so someone loses, I have no desire to have more than I have, I don’t feel jealous, I look at those who are different and celebrate diversity and always give a smile. The father of the child who killed himself asked children, why don’t you include others in your group and smile. When I was in the United States earlier this year they had the gun debate and school shootings. I tried to start a campaign called ‘Smile to Disarm America’. I spoke to Patch Adams who supported it but couldn’t give time to it. I spoke to Rotarians who thought it was a good idea. I thought it would be fun to get kids from schools to dress as clowns with peacemakers, Rotarians and other clowns to come out and simply be clowns and smile to disarm the public. To make people feel safe, to help people to feel they belong that they are part of a community. Unfortunately I wasn’t there long enough and couldn’t garner the support. But I do think it is a great idea.

A former policeman told me recently it was the gun that made him feel vulnerable. He was ex military and police and that was his conclusion. He saw the training of aggression in the military and he said he didn’t get any training for reintegratoin. Imagine a child watching their parents fight, witnessing violence, or hearing a parent cheering at someone’s pain or being cruel. They model on what they see in front of them. How do they learn to unlearn negative behvaiour?

Why not try something new, learn psychology, counselling, seek to understand then be understood, seek to solve the problem not hate the person and as a society work together, get involved and generate alternative ways, empower yourself and stop telling your children but deeply listen. The indigenous speak of that and it is a wise teaching. Many do not hear their kids telling them their truth rather than finding out what is their child’s truth, gaining trust and encouraging communication rather than escaping in front of entertainments.

As clowns we feel no fear of people, we just see how great everyone is, believe me every person is great. Show your kids they are great, you lead by example know you are great. Do you believe that? If you don’t you have some work to do to unravel an untruth in you. As Patch says ‘everyone is great’. He is right don’t give up on that. You are great when you say a kind word, when you sit with your child and listen, when you live a life that is a good example. Great doesn’t mean greater than, it means you are unique and your life matters. Every single one of you.

What the film was good at reminding people of was our shared humanity. It reveals a father who decided to stop bullying and he rallies people to change the world. That is the positive that comes from the negative, the death of a child bullied. We forget how valuable each person is and we just walk past or ignore bullying behaviour or say boys will be boys or kids are cruel. Where did they learn it from is my question.

I remember coming up with an idea on public transport, whereby the authorities give a mobile number so that if there is an incident on the train passengers can instantly message the authorities and action can be taken. I think there is great scope in creating ways for bystanders to get involved. If they are afraid to directly intervene then by all means ring or text someone for help. To not just keep walking but to take action and possibly save a life or send out a signal supporting the type of society they want to see. We’ve seen film’s taken by bystanders of racial taunts, bullying and recently here in Australia a young girl was filmed yelling out a racist remark to an indigenous football player. He put in a complaint and she wrote a letter of apology. Why did she feel her comment was okay, who had shown her that it is fine to hate the other. I am sure she learned a valuable lesson and the intense media attention may have made her a target of bullying as well.

I am not interested in the blame game, I am interested in raising children’s awareness so that this is not an activity they get into. They understand it comes from powerlessness and they feel empathy for the other. That is how we educate for a civilised culture, emotional intelligence is central and learning universal values, in my view, aligns us with virtues and good feeling thoughts.

I am taking my work into schools as a World Peace Clown and feel excited. The clown models positive behaviour and children can see that the clown loves everyone and demonstrates positive thoughts and is open to solve problems but never hate a person.

My aim is to help children learn and experience values and to deeply get that bullying is powerless behaviour and bystanders must get involved to ensure no-one is hurt. We all have the power to create change and to learn that when we feel negative if comes from our own sense of self, we then project it onto others and we get a sense of power when they appear to be afraid. It is a false power. The real power I teach is power within, this comes from values of integrity, empathy, responsibility, honesty. We feel good about ourselves and tap into the power of our humanity.

I feel we can create Cultures of Peace at the school level where we live values, this includes teachers and parents. It requires commitment the schools to invest in training and education that supports values and is a supportive, empowered, democratic and equal society. The latter point was stated by a child in the film. No one is less than you, we are all of equal value. It all starts with each of us doing our bit for a better world.

Here is some footage from the campaign started by a father called Stand for the Silent. What was interesting in the film I saw tonight is that he said he was a nobody. In the film below he says he is somebody and he is going to change the world. I found that an interesting transformation. He indeed has changed the world as the film has been distributed and many have changed. I will use the film in my work as well.