Conflict Resolution: Are Emotions Intelligent (EQ)

Wikipedea defines Emotional Intelligence as follows:

Emotional intelligence (EI) is an ability, skill or, in the case of the trait EI model, a self-perceived ability to identify, assess, and control the emotions of oneself, of others, and of groups. Various models and definitions have been proposed of which the ability and trait EI models are the most widely accepted in the scientific literature. Criticisms have centered on whether the construct is a real intelligence and whether it has incremental validity over IQ and the Big Five personality dimensions.

The earliest roots of emotional intelligence can be traced to Darwin’s work on the importance of emotional expression for survival and, second, adaptation.[1] In the 1900s, even though traditional definitions of intelligence emphasized cognitive aspects such as memory and problem-solving, several influential researchers in the intelligence field of study had begun to recognize the importance of the non-cognitive aspects. For instance, as early as 1920, E.L. Thorndike used the term social intelligence to describe the skill of understanding and managing other people.[2]

The first use of the term “emotional intelligence” is usually attributed to Wayne Payne’s doctoral thesis, A Study of Emotion: Developing Emotional Intelligence from 1985.[5] However, prior to this, the term “emotional intelligence” had appeared in Leuner (1966).[6] Greenspan (1989) also put forward an EI model, followed by Salovey and Mayer (1990)[7], and Daniel Goleman (1995). The distinction between trait emotional intelligence and ability emotional intelligence was introduced in 2000.[8]

(my definition) Emotional intelligence is at its core learning about your emotions. I regard emotional intelligence as an expanded intelligence that includes IQ (intelligence quotient), it is feeling ‘yourself’ and your ‘environment’ emotionally. It is learning to feel emotions, identify emotions, understand what is causing emotions and constructively (or creatively) express them. An emotionally intelligent person does not deny feelings but embraces them and uses emotions to experience life more fully and deepen relationships. I don’t believe in controlling emotions, I believe in channelling them positively and truthfully. I feel suppression leads to all sorts of emotional distortions and disorders. Suppressed emotions also affects IQ and when problem solving emotions like gut feel or social consequences, emotional impacts are not taken into account there are ramifications. The exclusion of emotions in my experience narrows what is perceived as part of one’s intellectual and emotional environment. For myself if I am in a situation where someone doesn’t let me express my emotions, I find I turn to poetry for answers. I come from my feelings to solve a problem. I also release emotions by crying, getting angry or allowing my feelings to be there but one aspect I have practiced extensively, is to not hate the person. I keep reminding myself we are all different and they don’t have to be like me or indeed like me. I also see people as my teachers, I try to change myself so that I feel more positive and empowered emotions. That is my way. Here are other ways (see below).

This is from the Conflict Resolution Network http://www.crnhq.org/pages.php?pID=12#skill_2

Handling yourself

* 5 Questions + 5 Goals
* Don’t indulge
* Don’t deny
* Create richer relationships

Print out the questionnaire below to complete the following:

Five questions: when angry/hurt/frightened

Why am I feeling so angry/hurt/frightened?

What do I want to change?

What do I need in order to let go of this feeling?

Whose problem is this, really? How much is mine? How much is theirs?

What is the unspoken message I infer from the situation? (e.g. they don’t like me, they don’t respect me.)

Five goals in communicating emotions:

Aim to avoid the desire to punish or blame. Action?

Aim to improve the situation. Action?

Aim to communicate your feelings appropriately. Action?

Aim to improve the relationship and increase communication. Action?

Aim to avoid repeating the same situation. Action?

If communication is not appropriate, what other action can I take?